Dear Carolyn: My much-younger sister met a “really great guy,” and they’re living together now and planning a future. I expected to like him based on her stories, and I was happy she finally met a worthy partner. We’ve both dated bad dudes based on family history; I’m just 15 years older and finally wiser.
They’re visiting us this week, and … I can’t stand him. He’s whiny, passive-aggressive, self-centered, expects her to solve problems of his own making … sigh. He may not be a brute, but I can see them starting a family in which he’s another child rather than a supportive husband.
When she asks for my opinion, I want to be helpful in telling her the red flags I see, but I don’t want to push her away. Help? — Finally Wiser
Finally Wiser: When she asks, respond: “I want to hear what you think.” It’s a pretty obvious device, but hold to it. Even acknowledge what you’re doing and how obvious it is. Explain it as something you’ve learned — that whatever you see in a friend’s or family member’s new partner is a lot more accurate once you get a chance to see the same things through your loved one’s eyes. Don’t budge. With any luck, she’ll be happy enough to talk about him that she won’t push you.
If she forces the issue, then proceed with extreme caution. “If you have concerns and want my view specifically, then please say so. Otherwise I’m just here for your happiness.” Again, it’s very transparent, but, “Here’s what I think: I’m concerned that he’s whiny, self-centered and passive-aggressive” is not something anyone is ready to hear, possibly even after they’ve just said to you, “I’m worried he’s whiny, self-centered and passive-aggressive. Have you noticed that?”
You got to your better place over those 15 years through trial, error and, I’m guessing, some healthy connections from which you could extrapolate lessons that you then applied toward healthier dating. Your sister may benefit from your wisdom, but to some extent will still have to go through her own years-long process. Maintaining a healthy relationship with her might be the most helpful thing you can do.
