Dear Carolyn: My sister is in an abusive marriage and is not ready to leave her husband. I want to be supportive, but getting time with her away from her husband is extremely difficult.
My partner and I both have a hard time being around my sister and her husband together. He feels like a powder keg that is waiting to blow, and my sister is always completely checked out trying to manage his feelings.
My sister has expressed hurt feelings that my spouse never spends time with her anymore, and I find myself seeing her less and less as well. It also feels like we are missing being a part of my nephews’ lives.
How honest should I be with my sister about our feelings regarding her husband? It feels like emotional blackmail to tell her, “I would love to spend more time with you if we could do things away from your husband.” But I also know that people in abusive relationships need breaks, and to know they have a support network when and if they are ever ready.
Will I be threatening one of my sister’s few family bonds outside of her husband if I’m truly honest with her? Or is that honesty more important in the long run?
— Sad Sister in Dallas
Sad Sister in Dallas: First, thank you for asking these questions. Your sister does need you. When they are victims of intimate-relationship abuse, people urgently need bonds outside their relationships for exactly the reason you say — as lifelines, when they’re ready to use them. That’s why abusers isolate their victims, to cut those lifelines. Making their partners’ family and friends really uncomfortable is one of the ways abusers do that.
Second, a reminder that the National Domestic Violence Hotline is a resource for loved ones like you, too; there’s a “Support Others” button right there on the homepage, thehotline.org. Or you can call 1-800-799-SAFE.
Third, yes, being around the abuse dynamic is hard. Unnerving, sad, even dangerous. But when someone you love is being abused, your visits are no longer about what you get out of a visit socially or emotionally. They’re about what you can do, safely, to help your loved ones — and I include your poor nephews in this, who are both victims here and, by no fault of their own, abusers in training at their father’s knee.
In other words, there are multiple emergencies here for which laypeople — meaning friends or family members like you and whatever partners come along with them — are clearly in over their heads. But until your sister is ready to ask for expert help, the best chance she and her kids have got is for you to do the asking for her.
It’s also your best chance to be safe. “Powder keg waiting to blow” is, too often, not just colorful writing. So don’t keep guessing at what to do or follow one-time advice; share the details of your sister’s situation with on-call experts today and as this volatile situation evolves. And make sure your sister knows, state this clearly, you are there for her 24-7 — no questions asked.
Hi, Carolyn: My friends and I are in our late 30s, early 40s. I spent last weekend with them, and so much of their conversation centered on the burdens and challenges of owning a second home. I felt annoyed and a bit sad and, I’ll admit, jealous. I don’t have a first home to complain about! It’s not all privilege — two of them grew up on food stamps and worked their way into this lifestyle — but they did buy houses 15 years ago, not in the market now.
I know my choices have led me here; I went abroad, worked as an artist, etc. But, man, I found myself so annoyed by this endless lament about the hassles of being a landlord. Is there any way I can shut this down? I mean my own jealousy and also this conversation, which just felt so tone-deaf.
— Burdens of Having a Second Home
Burdens of Having a Second Home: A shutdown response is not going to improve upon the two things you so clearly have in your favor, honesty and perspective:
