Dear Carolyn: My brother announced to the family three weeks before Thanksgiving that he and his wife of 30 years were getting a divorce. We were all stunned, confused, mad. I was mad about the whole thing. I was assured it was not infidelity or money issues. It’s none of my business, but they felt it was necessary to share it.
As a family, we were very close. We spent a lot of time together growing up, going out and at sporting events. My brother’s ex-wife was like a sister. I was grieving for my brother, his family and the loss of a family member.
We were equally stunned when he wanted to bring his newly announced ex-bride to Thanksgiving. I protested aggressively. My brother said he wanted to make it as normal as possible for their kids over the holiday. And so we were just supposed to ignore that it was all happening. I thought it was completely unfair to put the rest of the family through an uncomfortable environment on a typically stress-free day.
Long story short, I wasn’t ready to be around her, and neither were other family members. She didn’t come, and because I live far away, all the blame was put on me for making waves.
Was I wrong for acting how I did? One day, we will all be more accepting, but three weeks after the announcement was a bit much for me.
— Perplexed
Perplexed: Yes, “all the blame” is on you, and it has nothing to do with your living far away. You’re the one who “aggressively” said no.
You’re not to blame for the events that led to your Thanksgiving protest, of course. The couple’s divorce was well outside the scope of your influence. (Though we wouldn’t know that from the intensity of your emotional reaction to it, which I’ll get to in a second.)
But you gave me whiplash when you jumped from “grieving … the loss of a family member” to objecting to her presence.
So which is it? Are you lamenting your sister-in-law’s exit from the family, or slamming doors to keep her out?
If my framing sounds disingenuous, then you’re right, it is. I wrote that even though I already suspect how they’re thematically consistent: The common denominator is your aversion to emotional discomfort.
You don’t like change. Marital discord, family disruption, hard feelings, sadness, awkward conversations, rethinking Thanksgiving are all on your “nope” list.
It’s not as if anyone likes these things, sure. But such an emotional reaction to other people’s marriage suggests an outsize aversion to change. You’re angry at them, for divorcing! As if they’re doing it to you.
I’m guessing that’s how you see it, though — or feel it. You are angry at them for taking the close family you’ve counted on since childhood and making it uncomfortable for you. Kind of like everyone’s reacting to you now, right? Strong chance of a family pattern.
But here’s the thing: Families change, whether by choice, accident or time. The close ones stay close by adapting.
