Dear Carolyn: My new daughter-in-law and I have very different tastes in art, music, literature, etc. She is also pretty insecure and not yet very comfortable around me, despite my efforts to draw her out and make her feel at home.
I just saw on Facebook that she has gotten a new tattoo that, to my eye, is ugly and badly done. What do I say when I see her next, and how do I handle this problem in general of not really liking the new tattoo, new dress, new whatever?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You say nothing about the tattoo, that’s easy — unless she asks, in which case you turn it into a question. “I’d love to hear the story behind it,” in my experience, is a welcome entry point, because people care enough about whatever it is to make it permanent. Also, with tattoos in particular, but also with tastes in general, such as “art, music, literature, etc.,” the point is self-expression, not soliciting approval or impressing snobs. (Ahem.) So relieve yourself of any duty to express your opinions, and make it your job to listen, notice, understand — dare I say, appreciate.
It won’t always be easy to know the right thing to say, but embracing this role will help you at least feel more comfortable with your place in saying it: You’re not there to like it, you’re there to be happy for her that she does.
Worth mentioning, too, I hope, from the perspective of a highly opinionated person: Tastes aren’t fixed quantities. People I love have always gone through phases of loving things I hated — something we’re all guilty of inflicting on others. You know that song or show or team you put on repeat for months? No one was ever within earshot? Yeah. Our choices are to go slowly mad, sound-quarantine ourselves from any offenders for months or find something to like about the game/music genre/show/sport. The latter isn’t easy, but with a few notable exceptions, I found it was also never as hard as I thought it was going to be to find some shareable joy.
Reader’s thought:
• Your dislike for her oozes through your post. I’d bet it does to her as well. She doesn’t need your approval of her tastes, choices or tattoos. She needs you to welcome her as the woman your child loves. Maybe her apparent lack of confidence is her self-protection from you.
Dear Carolyn: My best friend from high school (50-plus years) got mad at me and refuses to communicate. I have apologized for my part and have begged to work this out. No luck. I have backed off, knowing I am not in control. I am heartbroken. Any advice?
— Heartbroken
Heartbroken: I’m sorry. Part of why this is such agony is that your friend is giving you no choice, no say, no avenue for recovery. In that sense, it’s like a death.
So although your friend is still very much alive — tempting you to believe reconciliation is possible — I think it would help you to treat this like a death. Lost friendship is a legitimate and significant source of grief. Let yourself grieve. Acknowledge your feelings for what they are, and give them room to play out. If rites or ceremonies have been meaningful at other milestones in your life, then plan one now.
This part, you do control. Take care.
