Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I don’t know if I’m rushing things or if my girlfriend of six months is holding back. I’m 40, she’s 36, and we are both in the process of finalizing our divorces, both of which were initiated over a year and a half ago. We met on a dating app. My kids are 12 and 15, hers are 5 and 7.
She has met my whole family, met my kids and stays over at my house about three times per week when my kids are at their mom’s. I’ve opened my whole life up to her. Recently, I told her that I love her, and she brings me an enormous amount of joy.
But there’s a catch. I haven’t met her kids or any of her family. I’m not even allowed at her house because her idiotic ex has told her that until the property division is settled, he doesn’t want her to have men over at the house — even though he doesn’t live there and moved out a long time ago.
The only part of her life I’ve been made a part of is meeting her friends a few times. Aside from this, I have not been allowed into her life, and because I haven’t met the kids, we can only see each other when she doesn’t have them. On top of this, she said she can’t yet tell me she loves me back, though she’s “getting there.” I feel like the entire relationship has been all on her terms.
I want to show the world this beautiful, amazing person I’ve met, and it feels like she just wants to keep me a secret because she isn’t ready to let me into her life.
Do I continue to give her time and patience? Or do I break my heart and tell her I need to move on?
— There’s a Catch
There’s a Catch: Six months! That is very little time and almost no patience.
A person with kids ages 5 and 7 and an “idiotic” ex making intrusive demands strikes me as someone who needs years, not months, to get emotionally reoriented and stabilized. Plus a partner who is unusually open to being cooperative and flexible. The ex is her kids’ parent, no matter what either of you thinks of him.
So if you flinch at all that, then letting go would be the compassionate thing. Pressure in relationships stinks, and this short narrative, even with your loving spin on it, tells me she’s already had more than her share of it.
Alternately, you could trust time, yourself and her — to be doing what she needs, whatever that turns out to be.
Readers’ thoughts:
∙ She is trying to keep herself safe so her ex doesn’t drag this out or punish her or her kids before the divorce is final. She has already had one controlling partner. This one better loosen up.
∙ She may not want her young children to become attached to you until she is sure this might be a lasting relationship. Older kids have a larger world and a lot more experience, but for young children, the adults at home are the roof and walls that keep them safe. One parent already left them. She doesn’t want them losing you, too.
