Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: How do you know when to break up a marriage after a partner has an affair?
I’ve been married for almost 25 years. My spouse had a six-month sexual affair with a neighbor. They started out as exercise buddies when I was recovering from major spine surgery and I couldn’t recreate with him. I couldn’t do strenuous housework, either, and he also likes a really clean place (as do I).
How do I know whether to stay or go? We’ve done some marriage counseling, and the (male) counselor sided with my husband.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: I’ll rephrase your question for you. You have a get-out-of-this-marriage-free card. Any interest in using it?
I fear if I keep holding in what I really think, I’ll need surgery to reassemble myself.
As for the when — is today an option?
Re: Affair: I’m sorry, maybe I’m reading something that isn’t really there, but is your spouse somehow implying the affair was justified because you couldn’t exercise or clean house properly after you had spinal surgery??
— Incredulous Commenter
Incredulous Commenter: I read the same thing, so I’d say it’s really, incredibly, there.
Carolyn: Yes, that’s exactly what my husband has said. The house has been messy (with “your messes”), messy enough that he sleeps in the man cave to escape. We both want a clean, organized intimate space in a shared room. I’ve been working my glass off at PT so I can do more things in general, including cleanup. Even to my own “ears” typing this, this sounds embarrassingly stupid. The worst part is, I actually had THREE spine surgeries. I need help lifting and cleaning. How do I decide: Stay or go?
— Anonymous again
Anonymous again: Question back at you: How is this still a question?
Lower-snark, self-love-encouraging version: What are you getting from this marriage (husband) that makes it (him) worth keeping at the staggering cost of his thoughtless, selfish cruelty, which your surgery plainly exposed?
Carolyn: Excellent question, no snark. It’s one I’m working on in individual therapy since the couples’ counselor sided with him and his feelings of loneliness while I’ve been out of commission.
I guess the short answer is we have a long and — until the affair — really good history together. I like him and love him, but I don’t like his choice to have an affair and his unwillingness to pitch in with cleanup.
We both have hope we can move past this and rebuild trust. I just wondered whether anyone ever succeeds in recovering their marriages after an affair. Is it always a relationship death sentence?
— Anonymous again
Anonymous again: Tons recover.
But who wants to when the cheating was a response to his spouse’s major surgery? A six-month sex tantrum over the loss of recreation and housekeeping on demand. Sweet holy hell.
