Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: Can you suggest a way to try to save a friendship that I care about, even though my friend basically dumped me via text message? I hate text for communication about feelings and relationships. She even knew that. Just call me!
In her out-of-the-blue and, as it turns out, final text message to me, she basically pooped on my lap and ran away. I tried calling her immediately to clarify, but she did not pick up.
I miss her, and I have no idea why she did that. It’s a really hurtful way to end a friendship, where I don’t even get to talk and find out what’s really going on. Would you try another way?
— Ghosted
Ghosted: No, I wouldn’t. Her message is clear, and it consists both of the message itself and of its delivery method. By your description, she seems to have chosen deliberately to drop it and hide where you can’t reach her to respond.
It’s a rotten thing to do to a friend. It’s not okay.
But it is also, again, clear. So, your continuing to try to give your side of the story or extract hers would cross a boundary. Accept the verdict, crappy as it is, and understand the friend and friendship weren’t as healthy as you thought.
Re: Ghosted: Why is a healthy withdrawal after consistent boundary violations considered “ghosting” or “canceling”? If you think about whether the person whose attention you feel entitled to has any interest at all in interacting with you, then you may be able to solve your mystery.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: I will be happy never to see “cancel”-anything again, plus true “ghosting” would have been silence without even the text.
And, as I said, further pursuit of this friend would be to violate the friend’s clear boundary.
But: There’s nothing in the letter that says Ghosted made “consistent boundary violations.”
When there is an established friendship, and there isn’t abuse, I think it’s still lousy to say something bad about someone and not allow them any rebuttal.
Other readers’ thoughts:
