Dear Carolyn: Once they retired, my parents moved to their hometown — a city I have never lived in that is not close. They have been very generous financially with cousins and family members. They can afford this and have never been taken advantage of.
Now, as they age and need a little help themselves, I see them afraid to ask for help from their nieces and nephews, and no one is offering. I fly in for big things, but sometimes they just need help with an errand or moving an item in their home. My parents will just do without or overextend themselves.
I assume my cousins have never thought to offer and my parents have been too reserved to ask.
How do I suggest to my cousins that they could offer to help sometimes? Then my parents might call when they need a hand. — Long-Distance Family
Long-Distance Family: It’s good they’re not entitled or demanding, truly. But it’s a sign of overcorrecting when the Assertiveness Fairy is camped outside in disbelief, waiting for so much as a hand signal.
If your parents “just need help with an errand,” then they need to talk to their nieces and nephews or line up paid support.
If they are, in fact, afraid to ask for minor help, then they need to say that! To you, at least.
I’m not even sure whether your “see[ing] them afraid” means they are afraid — if it means they want the help or want your help getting the help.
Because no one’s talking to anyone, gah.
So ask your parents what they actually want. Glean fact-approximate data from their answers by running them through your lifetime of knowledge of them.
If they want help, then assure them the nuisance of asking beats the nuisance of calamities of not asking. Plus, they aren’t imposing; people have the agency to say no — even relatives who have accepted their gift money. Because gifts with strings aren’t gifts.
As for ways to “suggest to my cousins”: hard no. If your parents moved with the intent to lean on the cousin network for care, then they needed to say so to the cousin network beforehand. If they intended their financial generosity to initiate an elder-care quid pro quo, then they needed to be explicit. Because moving near young, healthy relatives is not the same thing as moving near care, not unless the care knew this and agreed to it up-front. Because this is a staggering commitment and can’t be merely assumed.
I urge you to think bigger and start building a communication framework with your parents now, even if they resist it. From there, encourage them to build a local call-for-help directory and habit — which you monitor, because wealth and pride make them scam targets. I suspect this whole errand issue is the check-engine light for a bigger issue ahead.
Dear Carolyn: My husband can drive a bit aggressively, but it’s negligible now. Whenever he gets mad at some driver, I calmly tell him a possible explanation for the other driver’s behavior. Slow? Maybe they just left the hospital with their newborn. Maybe they’re new to the area and finding their way. Too fast? Maybe they’re on their way to the ER. Maybe there’s an emergency at home. I always come up with something, but not so much anymore, because I think he thinks of those empathetic possibilities on his own now. — C.
C.: A tutorial in pragmatic empathy, thanks. (This is responding to the problematic driver on Dec. 9, but we were just here on dogs, too.)
