Dear Carolyn: We have friends — husband, wife, young child — who come over regularly. We enjoy hosting them, but they are certainly quirky. One example: We warned them we would have the ballgame on, knowing they are strict about TV. They allowed their kid to watch the game but then would all leave the room for every single commercial break. Just … odd.
Anyway, they will not let their kid play in our kids’ rooms, ever. We have known them for years, and we believe they trust us. Our kids are the same age and like their kid. But they insist on their child playing in our living room or kitchen. That means, by the end, my living room is a wreck, toys everywhere and I am stuck cleaning it — plus all the toys are being brought downstairs, and they have to go back upstairs. And it means I can’t have an adult conversation, because the kids are running and playing — which I want them to do! Just upstairs.
I tried saying last time, ahead of a visit, that the living room was off-limits. But they still wouldn’t let the kid upstairs.
I understand they are quirky about a lot of things, but I don’t know how to ask, “What is your problem with our kids’ bedrooms and play areas?!?” It is making us stop inviting them over as much, and I think they can tell, and may be hurt. — Anonymous
Anonymous: I’m not saying this is the explanation, just that it might be, which is reason enough to respond as if it is:
Parents who are themselves survivors of childhood abuse — by “trusted” family members or family friends they knew “for years” — might take measures like these to protect their kids.
Trauma survivors in general are why you’re right to stop yourself from, “What is your problem?”-type questions. There’s a core of values and experience to each of us that fuels our parenting decisions and is nobody’s business but ours and our co-parents’.
To be clear, that core isn’t always making the best decisions in the eyes of bystanders — but that still doesn’t give the bystanders the right to an explanation.
You do have some say in how these decisions affect you and your family, though — namely, the extra work they bring to your household.
So focus on that: “Your reasons are your business, and I respect that, but it’s extra work and noise for me to host downstairs.” Then say you love that the kids get along so well, or some other warm and true thing, and say you’re willing to accommodate — but only if all the kids clean up afterward and carry all toys back upstairs. It’s the kids’ job, age appropriately, to clean up anyway. Great chance to drive that training home.
It’s also okay to tell this couple explicitly that downstairs equals fewer play dates, given the extra disruption — which again is fine with you, you’re letting them know only so they aren’t left to wonder why there have been fewer invitations.
If articulating these limits feels “mean,” then remember, you’re already starting to set the limits, you’re just doing it quietly and leaving them to wonder whether the friendship is ending and why.
That’s the broader answer to a “quirky” question: When there are topics you can’t or won’t get into, that makes it all the more important to be kindly transparent about not addressing X but needing to talk about Y. Especially as these kids outgrow playdate rules and get into gnarlier things, your future self will be grateful to this one for working to communicate well.
