We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: How do I get over the feeling that I’m competing for a “lesser” sort of dating partner than some of my friends? Even just typing that feels horrible but is the only way to shed clarity on my question.
Here’s what I mean. I am 30 years old. I am a smart, engaging, funny person (so I am told). But so are all of my friends, and they are also much prettier than I am. I’m not the good-looking one in any social group I have ever been a part of. I’m in decent shape, but that’s about it. In a group setting, there is absolutely no chance that a guy is going to be more drawn to me than to one of my good friends (until he finds out they are all attached or not interested, in which case then maybe he will turn his attention to me). I have seen this play out over and over for years.
I do understand that people are not that simple and that there could be a life of happiness waiting for me with someone who is “settling” for me, or vice versa. But I need a little bit of help making that paradigm shift. Right now it feels very much like I’m waiting for all my friends to get married off and then will survey the landscape to see who’s left. — Plain Friend
Plain Friend: There is a lot of pain in your letter. I’m sorry you feel so down on yourself. However, just because you have “seen this play out over and over” doesn’t mean that it always has to be that way. I suspect you are caught in a cycle which is a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy: You expect to be rejected, and you unconsciously prepare for it. Maybe you are a bit more standoffish than your friends because you feel like you aren’t as good. So you are rejected, and then you expect it even more the next time.
I would suggest getting outside your bubble if you can. Try volunteering in some activity that you enjoy and interests you. Be open-minded. See who you click with, not who clicks with you. Let people get to know you for you. Believe that you have something to offer (this is actually step one). If you can build some confidence by meeting new people on your own and having a good experience, maybe things will go differently when you are back with your friend group. You can hopefully begin to see yourself not as the consolation prize, but as someone who is fun and interesting and attractive in your own way. — Silver Spring
Plain Friend: You’re talking a lot about leftovers and settling, but this isn’t about competition (and I hope that’s something you’re putting on yourself, not how your friends treat you). I decided that I was going to build a life that made me happy whether I ever coupled up or not and I wouldn’t be anyone’s leftover. So when an extremely cute guy did cross the room to talk to me I was ready for him.
He was my date to the wedding of one of those pretty friends, and she was a bridesmaid in mine when said cute guy and I got married a few years later. Twenty-three years, two kids, one house and lots of cats and dogs later, both of us think we got the better end of the bargain. And I’m still friends with my still-gorgeous friends. — Former Forever Wingwoman
Plain Friend: This might be the obvious answer, but my first recommendation is therapy. That’s some pretty troublesome self-depreciation you’re burdened with. It might not be the advice you want right now, but any relationship you have is going to struggle if you’re constantly putting yourself down and comparing yourself to your friends. After the inner self-worth work, you will probably feel better prepared to tackle the dating scene; self-confidence can be quite attractive.
Try reading your letter back, and imagine those words coming from a prospective date. It is a huge warning sign of a complicated, and maybe emotionally fraught, relationship. You are a wonderful person in your own right, and you need to feel comfortable being that wonderful self.
I won’t deny you’ve got a lot of hard inner work ahead of you, but it will let you feel much more comfortable and confident with who you are. It will have the added benefit of smoothing the path in any relationship — friendship or otherwise — in the future. For now, at the very least, try. — A Fellow Self-Deprecator
Plain Friend: Here’s the thing that nobody tells you when you’re 30: You don’t want the guy who goes for a girl because she’s pretty.
When I met my future husband at a party, we talked for 20 minutes and that was that for me, but not for him. Over the next month we exchanged a few emails. I wasn’t that interested (recent breakup) so I responded to his emails 100 percent myself — full of strident opinions, often disagreeing with him, gently and kindly, but unabashedly honest. Eventually I agreed to meet him for lunch. He asked me to wear a red hat to our date because he couldn’t remember what I looked like. I was a tall, slender blonde with waist-long hair in 501 button-fly jeans and cowboy boots (not beautiful, but hard to miss). But he didn’t remember that. He only remembered how I made him feel (funny, important, interesting). We were married five months after we met, 20 years ago. I was 43. He’s my best friend.
You don’t want the sexy guy, or the guy with money. You want a happy, hard-working adult who respects you. You want the guy (like my guy) who will fly 7,000 miles in economy class for a lunch date with a woman he’s not sure he’ll recognize because she makes him happy.
Never, ever, ever (I’m shaking my finger … sorry!) settle for a guy who would settle for you. You deserve to be cherished, respected, listened to, and appreciated. Don’t settle for anything less.
