Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My sister just had a baby and has asked me for hand-me-downs from my 2-year-old. I told her I was holding on to them for our second child, and she said she would give them back after she is done with them.
But I know her. She is not careful with her own things, much less anyone else’s. We just bought a house and need to be really frugal and responsible, and saving our baby stuff is one way we are saving money.
She is very persistent and thinks she is entitled to my used baby stuff and will throw a tantrum if I don’t cave. How do I handle her? This is a lifelong pattern between us that I really need to break. — Sibling
Sibling: Then break it! Let her have her tantrum. You are not required by law, love or family to listen to it.
There are a bunch of things you can say, which I’ll write out if you’d like, but the whole answer hinges on your being willing to hold your “no” under the seemingly unbearable pressure of her persistence and entitlement. That’s how you handle her. Decide, stay calm and don’t budge.
Do you want phrasing to make it easier? Or is validation enough that this is the right battle to choose? If it’s the latter, then you’ve got it.
Re: Phrasing: I’m not the original poster, but I could really use help with the phrasing. I’m in a similar situation with my best friend, where she demands unrealistic things of me and I say yes to appease her. (Yes, I’m working on this in therapy, it goes to back to childhood, etc.) — Anonymous
Anonymous: This is good, actually. It forces me out of the baby-clothes topic and toward something universal.
So: “I gave you my answer to this: No. Please kindly accept it.”
Early on, when a hard no like this is a pronounced change to your dynamic, it’s okay to have a conversation about it: “You’re still pressing me to change my mind. I don’t appreciate that. Letting people say no is a matter of respect.” And: “I’m your friend/sibling! I want to make you happy. I just have my limits, as do you. We’re both entitled to have them, and both of us should be able to trust the other to respect them.”
At any point, in this or any conversation, you can say: “I’ve made my point here, and now we’re just doing laps. Let’s drop it, please.”
Remember that it stops being an argument when only one of you chooses to drop it. Your saying, “Let’s drop it,” is really just a courtesy; you can drop it unilaterally — which I suggest you do if the other person refuses. You can hang up, abruptly change the subject or leave.
All of this grows out of the taproot of boundaries: that YOU decide what you think, what you discuss with whom, where you go, whom you see, how you spend your time, what you lend, what you value, where you live, how you guide the trajectory of your life. You. Other people can have opinions, but that doesn’t affect any of the preceding points unless you choose to let it.
Once you know this to be true in your very core and you feel it, then it gets a lot easier to know when and how to tell people to back the erf off.
