Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: In 2019, I noticed several weird things that made me suspect that my husband was having an affair. I asked him about it, and he denied any affair and offered alternate explanations for the weird things. We also committed to about a year of therapy, where we discovered we had some communication issues that needed work and could help to explain the disconnect I was feeling. We worked on our marriage, things got much better, and I stopped worrying that he was cheating (or had cheated).
But now, years later, I just found a new piece of evidence that makes it seem extremely clear that I was right about what happened in 2019. If that is true, then he lied to me repeatedly that year and in therapy.
But now we have this new, better marriage, in which I actually believe we’re on the same page and he’s being faithful. Do I still re-confront him about 2019? — Reopening the Can of Worms
Reopening the Can of Worms: That’s entirely up to you — specifically, up to your capacity for living in the present. And countenancing deceit.
Can you accept the likely affair as the trigger you needed at the time, to do the work your marriage needed? Is it possible your acceptance of his “alternate explanations” in 2019 was a kind of willful ignorance to allow your marriage to move forward? And, if yes to both, is that a good enough reason for you to drop this now?
Or do you need him to have been telling you the truth for the progress — “progress”— you’ve made to be worth anything?
These are not loaded questions. The range of what people can accept is huge, and at what point each of us falls is personal. If you can’t abide having been lied to, if it undoes the good impressions you have of your husband and the current state of your marriage, then you need to share your new evidence and say you’d rather hear the worst than be handed pat, self-serving explanations again.
Likewise, if you can live with a lie, without denial or what-ifs — if you are able to incorporate all of what happened into a we-both-know-I-know, greater-good package that you prefer to leave alone — then do that with no judgment from me.
I would offer something more definitive, but only you know what you need, want and are ready to set in motion.
Readers’ thoughts:
- Do you trust that he would not hide or lie to you about something of this magnitude today? I think that’s the relevance the past has to your current relationship. If you don’t trust it or are not sure, then yes, this is a can of worms worth reopening, especially with the message that it has undermined your ability to trust in what you have today.
- Some people gaslight their partners and the therapist in couples therapy, and the “trust” the dishonesty secures then serves as a better shield to emotionally hide behind while committing more transgressions. Finding new evidence is a “Gift of Fear” moment for the spouse. Sex and love addicts lie to preserve their support systems, which include their spouse and their affair partners.
