Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I have always struggled with self-esteem. I don’t think most people I know are aware of this, as I fake it pretty well and it doesn’t intrude on my thinking that often. But after a social event, I’ll often second-guess everything I said.
My husband is (rightly) frustrated that if he is upset with me about something I’ve done, even something minor — say, I didn’t call when I was running late — I may spiral into self-loathing and require comforting before we can talk about it.
I am aware of this dynamic and am working on it specifically, with some success, but how do I change the underlying issue? All the advice I see about feeling better about yourself doesn’t really seem actionable. It’s “be kinder to yourself” and “give yourself the grace you give others.” But isn’t that circular? If I could do that, then I wouldn’t have the problem in the first place.
How do I get there? HOW do I change my thinking so that I’m kinder to myself?
— Faking It
Faking It: There may be an underlying health issue here, involving a formative trauma, or heredity — meaning, not merely a choice. Your second-guessing of things you said at a party, that is perseverating, yes? So you could have neurological involvement, which may be something you can address with proper medical care.
You might be able to come up with a root cause on your own, if it’s in plain-ish sight. This is what therapy is for, though, plus a full health work-up — to get at the underlying stuff instead of just rearranging the surface. Merely addressing the symptoms can actually add stress if various attempts at fixing the problem are not effective. Instead of relief, it becomes an endless pointless chore. So demoralizing.
There’s something here that warrants specific attention, though, right away: When you say that in response to your husband’s valid frustration, “I may spiral … and require comforting,” you’re describing more than a default to self-loathing. Getting upset with yourself is the immediate emotional response, yes — but pulling others in under the pretext of soothing you is also a form of silencing. It’s manipulation. Because of course he and others will think twice next time they want to object to something you’ve done.
I certainly don’t endorse regular criticism of loved ones, but all of us need to feel comfortable speaking up when someone crosses a line, and we need to know others can do the same with us. It means we can trust our own eyes and ears about where we stand with people. When people instead suppress their true feelings, that creates the conditions for profound loneliness, blindsiding, ghosting, affairs and a bunch of other things that turn up every day in my queue.
So as you dig for the “origin story” of your reflexive insecurity, please also work on retraining your self-soothing impulses. What other things can you do to interrupt the spiraling besides lean on your husband? Can you take a walk? Do short, intense exercise? Read? Do yoga? Watch something engrossing?
Think: hitting refresh on a page that’s not loading right. Powerful distractions can get your mind out of a rut just long enough to bypass your reflex behaviors and access your thinking behaviors: a small tweak with a potentially significant payoff.
If you do choose therapy for the foundation issues — recommended — then you may need weeks to get that going. Mindful diversions off the path of your habitual reactions are at your disposal today.
