Adapted from an online discussion.
Hey, Carolyn: My ex and I (no kids) are still great friends after our split. Luckily for us, we still got along and didn’t want to take it out on each other. It took some work, but we’ve both kept our mutual friends, we hang out on occasion, and we think of each other as part of our extended “family.” It’s been about a year and a half, I’ve spent time alone to figure myself out, our boundaries seem to be in a good place, and everything is stable. It’s been really healthy!
It seems like a lot of people find this situation terrifying, though. I don’t know a single other person who had an amicable divorce, and I think we might be the only friendly dissolution anyone else in my social circle knows — “conscious uncoupling” notwithstanding, but that seems to just be joke fodder. It’s a shame. The almost-universal assumption seems to be that if you’re over them, then you never see them again, and if you DO still talk to them, then that’s a sign you’re stuck on them.
I’m starting to dip my toes back in the dating pool, and I feel pretty confident about my ability to communicate and compromise once I’m in a relationship. I also know there’s a certain amount of “If they don’t get it, they’re just not right for you” going on. I’m worried it’s going to be very uncomfortable for a lot of the people I might be interested in. Any ideas for how I could broach the subject without scaring (too many) people away?
— Amicable
Amicable: Scaring people away gets a bad rap. And the wrong name: It’s called filtering, and it’s an even better friend than your ex.
Here’s why: Even if your ex moves unreachably far away from you and your chumminess will be effectively moot for any subsequent partners, the mindset you have is still an integral part of who you are. You think this way. You work hard to live this way. You recognize not everyone understands this.
So get out with it early. “I was married before. We divorced X years ago. We were good friends till he moved to the moon, and stay in touch.” If what are core values to you are a jump scare to somebody else, great, find that out ASAP.
The right person will appreciate that you think this way and work hard to live this way and, ahh, don’t flinch when it comes up organically.
Something else entirely, but worth mentioning: Even a new partner who is okay with friendly exes may not like your actual ex. But you can figure that out when you get there.
Re: Amicable: If you disclosed to me that you were buddies with your ex, then I’d think you were humblebragging, which I’d find far more off-putting than being good friends.
— Anonymous
Anonymous: Great. If they tell, then they’re jerks. And if they don’t tell, then they’re withholding relevant information.
Right? How would you react months later when you find out their great friend Whoever is actually their ex-spouse? You wouldn’t jump on them for lying to you by omission?
If your worldview means no one can freaking win, then maybe you need a new worldview. You didn’t ask me, but I recommend one where people trying to be decent and transparent in their relationships get the benefit of the doubt.
