Dear Carolyn: About a year ago, my mom started taking a semaglutide weight loss drug and has lost 75 pounds, which she’s proud of — and I’m happy for her!
However, eating with her has become unbearable. She constantly comments on food: what’s “too sugary,” how little she can eat, how she doesn’t know how I can eat as much as I do.
For the record, I don’t eat too much, and these comments hit especially hard because I have a history of disordered eating that I’ve worked hard to overcome.
I suspect this stems from her lifelong focus on weight and negative self-talk — she’s always called herself ugly and overweight. (I’ve never known how to respond to those kinds of comments, either.) Sharing meals used to be our quality time, but now I dread it.
How can I handle this? Should I avoid eating with her altogether?
— Lost My Appetite
Lost My Appetite: It may come to that — and soon — if you can’t shift your mealtime conversations with Mom; sustaining your recovery comes first. (The National Alliance for Eating Disorders helpline is there if you need it: 866-662-1235.)
But it sounds as if you haven’t tried being direct yet. So do that first, in this order: 1. “I’m so happy for you.” 2. “I’m not comfortable with any talk of food, diets or weight.” 3. Change the subject. All calmly and with genuine warmth.
Repeat as needed, but don’t explain yourself or debate — because what is comfortable for you is not open to argument by others. Or even better: Once you’ve stated that you aren’t comfortable talking food, just skip to changing the subject if she ever tries to talk about it anyway. Or excuse yourself from the table. Don’t bother with being smooth.
This makes her choice very simple. If she wants to share meals with you, then she needs to talk about something else.
Dear Carolyn: My sister “Wendy” remarried this year. She has a 5-year-old son, “Tommy,” from her first marriage, whom I love madly, and now also has a 13-year-old stepson, “Joey,” whom I am constantly and unfairly being accused of overlooking.
Wendy gets upset if I ask to say hi to Tommy when I call her and forget to say hi to Joey — who is 13! and does not! want! to talk to his step-aunt on the phone! I’m making arrangements for a dinner and ask Wendy for some guidance on the menu to accommodate Tommy’s food allergies; I am later chastised for not asking about Joey’s preferences — when my understanding until then had been that Joey would be with his mother’s side of the family.
I do understand there are sensitive things to consider in blending families, but I feel like I’m a scapegoat for all the imaginary people Wendy believes don’t respect her new group or see what she’s going through to make it all work.
How do I ask her to give me a break on not having immediate auntly feelings for Joey as I already do for Tommy?
— Adapting
Adapting: You’re adjusting, yes. But so is she. And she’s looking out for an adolescent’s feelings as well as her own, while you’re just protecting yours.
I understand the impulse to get defensive. It feels lousy to get corrected under any circumstances, and these corrections are reaching into your happy aunty space.
But defensiveness doesn’t help anyone here. Here’s how the script breaks down: Sister: “You’re doing it wrong!” You: “No, you are!” Which is the effective how-to for nothing, ever.
