Carolyn Hax is away. The following first appeared May 1, 2009.
Dear Carolyn: I am in a long-distance relationship with a wonderful young man. We lived in the same city for more than a year before I started graduate school in another state.
During a recent visit, he informed me that he had gone to a club with friends and met a young woman and asked for her number. He told me he got rid of the number the next day. He has apologized and describes it as a mistake.
Although I understand “nothing happened,” I still feel his ability to put himself in this situation is a warning sign. Do you think I am overreacting, or are my feelings valid?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: If you’re taking this as a warning that you can no longer trust your boyfriend, then that, to me, smacks of punishing a guy for his honesty.
If instead you take it as a warning that the distance is starting to wear him down, then I think that would reward his candor — and, more important, steer you to a more productive line of thinking.
Maintaining intimacy long-distance does wear people down, even those who have every reason to expect their relationship to withstand the pressure — people, say, who have made life commitments to each other, who have built a world together in the form of a home or children or community ties, and who have been separated temporarily out of necessity. Military deployment, for example.
You spent about a year dating, and, judging from the standard academic calendar, you’re finishing your third quarter in absentia. You left of your own volition. Your return — also just a guess — probably hinges on the kind of opportunities available to someone with your degree.
Although there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these choices, they become a problem collectively if you weigh them down with unrealistic expectations. You’ve asked this “wonderful young man” to give up happy companionship in exchange for e-hugs, pining and guilt. No doubt he agreed to it willingly; no doubt, too, his feelings for you were immediate and your absence was merely abstract.
Given the relatively short time you spent together, the reverse is probably true now: Your absence is immediate, and his feelings for you are abstract.
I’m spelling this out not to drive home the idea that you’re losing him, but instead to point out that his drifting attention is perfectly normal. It’s his admitting it that stands out and gives you an unusual opportunity to talk to him openly. Please use it. Find out what he’s feeling, and what each of you is prepared to do about it. There may be only two outcomes — stay together, break up — but there are many different ways to get there. It might be time to explore a new one.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter was recently invited to a birthday party but was told not to bring a present. Do I have her bring one or not?
— J.
J.: I know it’s tempting to send her in with a gift — no one wants to be the one kid who walks in empty-handed — but please, respect the host’s request. It’s not the host who makes the empty-handed kids feel bad; it’s the guests who ignore the directive. Your daughter can bring a card, if you’re concerned about saving face.
