Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: No question, just at a loss. A friend passed away today, much too young, from a cruel and heartless disease that just ravaged her body right up until the end. Life seems way too harsh, and although I know death is part of the process, it seems just so cold and mean today — and knowing two toddlers will never get to really know her makes it even more crushing. Any words of insight? — Dealing With Death
Dealing With Death: I am so sorry. The harshness overwhelms sometimes. Hug those babies and cry for your friend. Maybe get outside if you can. Earth heals, or at least offers perspective.
I hope this small assurance helps, too: For the rest of your life, you can be the “messenger” for the traits you loved in this friend. You can tell a joke or handle a problem or enjoy a moment or interpret a situation the way your friend would have, and the children can know her presence through you. Take care, and my condolences.
Dear Carolyn: My son, “Mike,” has opioid problems and is showing signs of relapse. My wife’s son, “Tim,” has major anxiety disorder and panic attacks, and is very close to his mom. Both are about 30 and having trouble participating in society. When I was discussing Mike’s possible relapse with my wife, she blurted out, “Boy, Mike’s misfortunes make me feel much better about Tim!” I found this a shocking comment and an unforgivable attitude of relishing my son’s setbacks to make her feel better about her kid. Advise please? — Anonymous
Anonymous: Well that is 100 percent awful.
I mean the comment, but having your kids face such severe challenges is a lot for one family to carry, too.
If your wife is not typically competitive, spiteful or cruel, or one to revel in other people’s setbacks, then it would be an act of grace to write it off as her having misspoken — either blurting her worst interior thoughts or trying (and failing) to express sympathy that you have it worse right now.
I have to think a large percentage of us would have no friends if we ever took our filters off completely. I sure wouldn’t.
If it does fit with her character, then you have some hard decisions to make about your marriage.
Either way, do say to her, calmly: “Your comment shocked me. What did you mean by it?”
Dear Carolyn: In dating post-divorce, how do I separate unreasonable biases from incompatibility? I think about things such as education and careers. I really only spend time with college-educated, mostly white-collar people. I don’t know whether I would have anything in common with someone in a blue-collar job — but my ex’s college degree and profession didn’t keep us together.
Same thing with personal appearance. A lot of men don’t seem to take as much care to, say, have styled hair instead of a buzz cut or know the difference between casual sneakers and athletic shoes.
Am I being shallow? — Thinking of Dating
Thinking of Dating: You do have some harmful and, um, quirky biases, respectively.
