Dear Carolyn: I have a friend I would like to call a dear friend, but I don’t think I can. Occasionally she just disappears from my life. Sometimes for a couple of years, sometimes for a few months. I have, I think inadvisedly, allowed her back into my life after each of these ghosting incidents. When she returns, it’s as if nothing ever happened, and there is no explanation whatsoever for the lack of communication, or acknowledgment that I may have been hurt that she ignored me completely.
I’m in the middle of another ghosting episode now and have tried to contact her, to no avail.
What do I do if she contacts me to reestablish our relationship again?
My instinct is to ignore her once and for all, but that makes me no better than she is.
When she has re-contacted me in the past, I have gently tried to ask what was wrong, what’s been happening, why does she do this? I get nothing but evasive answers and thank-yous for letting her back into my life.
I find these incidents very hurtful and extremely confusing, as I think anyone would. I have tried to understand, and I think I’ve tried too hard. Tell me what you think; I can take it.
— Ghosted
Ghosted: Interesting last words you chose, “I can take it,” because my answer and your friendship hinge on exactly that. Can you take it?
More specifically, can you find a way to interpret her behavior that makes the friendship takable, as-is?
You seem to see her vanishings as rejections of you personally, as hurtful actions that she takes when she could be choosing instead to remain warmly and consistently in touch.
That’s reasonable — but it’s not your only option.
Because she’s giving you blanks where her reasons would be, you get to fill in those blanks however you want. You can choose reasons that aren’t personally insulting. You can choose forgivable reasons.
Maybe she has health or family challenges that overwhelm her intermittently. Maybe she has periods of hyper-focus on a project, a relationship, a cause. Maybe she has some questionable coping skills and knows to separate herself from the rest of civilization when she’s struggling. Maybe she gets embarrassed and lets too much time go by.
Maybe she’s stone-cold eccentric.
If one of these were true — meaning, if her ghostings were only about her, never about you personally — then could you choose, consciously, to roll with them? Simply accept her as ephemeral and enjoy her while she lasts, like a seasonal fruit?
