Hi, Carolyn: My 30-year-old son and his wife are separated with plans to divorce. The story I was given in a nutshell is that she had not gotten over her ex-boyfriend and is now back together with him.
I get it; life is messy, and they are young enough — and childless/propertyless enough — to start over without much trouble. My son is accomplished and handsome and will bounce back just fine. But he really loved this woman, and I hurt for him.
My daughter-in-law just sent me a long email asking me to consider maintaining a relationship with her after the divorce. We got along well, and in a way it would make sense, but I am finding that I just can’t think nice thoughts about her right now. What is the most elegant and fair way to say that? — N.J.
N.J.: You don’t have to say that. That’s the most elegant option, leaving your harshest opinions unexpressed.
You do want to take a pass on the friendship, yes. Even if your son initiated the divorce, there wouldn’t be much of an argument for maintaining a relationship with your son’s ex. He’s your person, she isn’t, and there are no grandkids to keep you all in each other’s lives. (Unless all three of you were all for an ongoing friendship for some reason; none of this is one-size-fits-all.)
Add that to her likely seeking of relief, at least in part, for her own conscience in securing your friendship, and you have a solid argument for opting out.
So, just say a version of that: “I’m fond of you and felt lucky to have you as a daughter-in-law, but I think the fairest gesture to [son] would be for me to focus on looking forward, not back.
“I understand life is messy, and do wish you the best.”
Signature, out.
Dear Carolyn: I feel like our culture is swimming in images that wealth equates to happiness. Do you consider this to be true? — More Money More Problems?
More Money More Problems?: You mean that the message is true, right, not that it’s true we’re swimming in these images?
So, yeah. Below a certain threshold, the lack of money does produce unhappiness, particularly in stress, poor health and health care, substandard living conditions, crumbling institutions, indifferent service, and the other markers of poverty we all know too well.
However, once you get above the threshold of having your needs met, additional money does not keep adding happiness on a dollar-for-dollar scale (bit.ly/HappyCash1 and bit.ly/HappyCash2). Once you have enough money to be comfortable, there are actually diminishing returns on what you get out of the extra money, to the point where anyone faced with a decision on a high-earning path vs. a lower-earning one that offers, say, shorter hours, more creativity or a greater sense of purpose, ought to think very carefully about that choice. Standard of living is different from quality of life.
Also, as we all know but that bears mentioning anyway, you can be fabulously wealthy and be emotionally stupid, or get dumped, abused, betrayed, seriously ill, financially ruined, devastated by loss and grief. You can’t buy out of the human condition.
