Dear Carolyn: I seem to get annoyed with overly nice people. For example, one co-worker goes out of their way to be nice to everyone, trying to be a best friend to subordinates, but when they try to exercise their authority, they are not respected. I have explained to this manager that they cannot treat everyone at work like their best friend. They get frustrated and agree with me, but they just continue and get burned every time.
Another example: a family member who compliments EVERYONE. “Your fragrance is wonderful,” “I love your hair,” “You’re so beautiful”: No one is safe from these over-the-top compliments. Everything is “wonderful.” Then she uses this introduction to find out every detail about you and your life.
I recently went through a rough patch. She asks me how I’m doing. I know eventually everything will be okay, but my feelings right now are anxiousness and sadness. But she hears only what she wants, which is the rosy comment, and says: ‘Thank the Lord!’ … And conversation is done. She talks constantly; you cannot get a word in edgewise.
I just don’t want to be annoyed by these people, and I want to accept their positivity. Is there such a thing as too nice?
— Annoyed
Annoyed: You’re annoyed because these people are annoying.
They also aren’t “nice.”
Well, they may be, perfectly so. I don’t know their intentions.
But the trait in each that you find so annoying isn’t kindness. Both, in different ways, have a problem with boundaries. Your colleague feels too beholden to others, letting them trample all over, accommodating their every signal to the point of self-erasure.
Your relative is under-responsive to others, trampling all over them and their signals to the point of erasing all selves present but her own.
This has been an interesting exercise, thank you.
But the annoyance isn’t about them or “nice,” is it? Presumably, you were moved to write because you feel more than a normal, passing irritation with people, instead finding yourself mired repeatedly in others’ dysfunction. Or at least you’re questioning your own judgment about what constitutes “nice,” because these social behaviors you were taught to value — best friend to everyone, everything is wonderful!!! — are what you now dissonantly link with discomfort.
I’ll make two suggestions. The first is to look past the fripperies of the words people use to interact and note the underlying structure. Is the other person self-aware, and aware of you? Is there room for mutual goals in your exchange? Do ideas, information and concern run both ways? If that underlying structure is there, then that is respect — and *that* is “nice.” Even if the words maybe have more grit in them than you’re used to.
If the respect foundation isn’t there, then that’s just self-interest with flowers in it. Annoying indeed.
Second suggestion is “Lifeskills for Adult Children” by Janet Woititz and Alan Garner, which I mention mostly in my live chats. It’s slim and extremely basic, the ABCs of not getting cornered by Aunt Edgewise for people who were taught to feel guilty for walking away.
