Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: A friend lost her young adult child about nine months ago. I have been dealing with a serious illness myself this past year, not immediately life-threatening but quite disabling, and my last conversation with her was when I had to cancel a trip to see them because of my own health, in what turned out to be the last month of her child’s life. I texted on the day it happened to say I’d heard and was thinking of her, but never called. (No reply to the text, but I didn’t expect one.)
Would calling now do more harm than good? I just haven’t had the bandwidth to talk to anyone except my doctors and immediate family, but I’m getting there, and this friend has been at the top of my list. But now I’m second-guessing. — I Think I Know the Answer
I Think I Know the Answer: There’s no good answer here except time travel.
Not to criticize or guilt-trip your choices in the moment, just to state a fact, to clear the path to acceptance of imperfect options.
An awful thing happened to you, then a worse thing happened to her, and now all you can do is your best.
That includes acting right away. Send a card saying you think of her often. If you can share a warm anecdote or memory of the child, then do that. If you have photos from your time together that include the child, then go ahead and email them with the same message, that you think of her often. Say you were moved to write when you came across these photos.
Many well-intentioned messages fall flat with people who are grieving, with, “It’ll all be okay”-type messages leading the unwelcome pack, but anything that shows you haven’t forgotten them or their loved ones is almost as universally welcome. That’s the remedy, such as it is, for having let time go by, for whatever reason.
It is not unusual for an immediate crisis to effectively disable our outreach functions, and I am sorry you’ve had your own health struggles. I’m guessing if you forgive yourself for that, then you’ll clear the path to your friend’s side. If she questions your disappearance, certainly mention the reason, briefly: “I was seriously ill, but I am here now.” Take care.
Readers’ thoughts:
• A card, definitely, but is there a reason you are hesitating to call? Perhaps a card first, followed by a call. I have a friend who sends flowers later on, because sometimes that’s when people start to feel both they and their loss have been forgotten.
• Omg. Please give yourself a break. You were sick; you didn’t have anything extra to give. You gave what you had. It’s okay to say: “I’m so sorry I haven’t been in touch. I think of you often but have been struggling myself.” And be human.
• A donation in the kid’s name to a charity that was important to the kid would probably go a long way toward healing any rift there might be.
• I lost my young adult child several months ago. The first months are a complete blur. I very much appreciate anyone reaching out to me at any time. I do not remember very well who reached out at first, I promise. The devastation is far greater than worrying about who contacted me then. Please reach out now.
