Dear Carolyn: How do I exclude my sister’s boyfriend from plans without hurting anyone’s feelings?
I come from a big family and have always been very close with my siblings. They are, without exaggeration, my best friends in the world.
We are adults with demanding lives in different cities, and I relish any opportunity to spend time with them. Many of us have significant others who may be involved in family get-togethers, which is generally pleasant, except when it comes to my sister’s boyfriend.
“Jason” and my sister have dated a few years, and he has been present at the vast majority of our family gatherings, even when his presence seems irrelevant. He tags along when my sisters and I go out with our childhood friends, or with members from our shared sports teams, of which he is not a part. Jason is generally the only significant other along for these outings.
Now, if I enjoyed Jason’s company, having him tag along would be no big deal. But he is immature, loud and unfazed by social cues, and he struggles with emotional regulation. He is known to pout when the group chooses a restaurant he didn’t vote for, complain that a family member’s sporting events are taking forever, and relentlessly insist we play board games with him regardless of interest, timeliness or vibe.
Jason is not malicious; he doesn’t intend to be insufferable. Jason and my sister both tend to be very sensitive to criticism. My sister especially responds poorly to exclusion and can hold a grudge for a lifetime. Jason makes my sister happy and cares about her deeply, so I have no desire to jeopardize their relationship or my relationship with my sister.
I will put up with Jason’s quirks on any regular day, but I really don’t want to spend special events biting my tongue. So: How do I exclude Jason from some plans and still get to spend quality time with my sister?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: You don’t.
Not because I say so, or manners say so, but because your sister says so.
Even a long letter like yours gives only a short take on an entire family. It’s the defining limitation of advice with a word count.
But it does teach a person to notice patterns, and your letter has a familiar one: Close, sprawling, sportsy family somehow fails (but probably not in a mean or purposeful way) to notice one sibling feels out of sync with the others and their vibe. Note the reactivity and attentiveness to exclusion — telltale signs.
Out-of-sync sister is maybe unwilling to lose touch, but also not strong enough to play the maverick. Enter a Jason, who flagrantly doesn’t fit in; she needn’t have chosen him consciously for this, but now he’s her blankie. She’ll never stand awkwardly on the sidelines alone again.
Make sense? He’s her buffer from you. More precisely: When she’s among family, her inability to mix in comfortably — the way you all seem to take for granted that you can — dredges up old misfit feelings. Jason gives her a place to feel safe … in? from? those feelings.
If I’ve ID’d the pattern correctly, then it’s problematic for many reasons, including codependency and self-fulfilling those exclusion prophecies of hers. But they’re for her to resolve, not you.
