Dear Carolyn: Eight months ago I married an amazing girl. She ticks literally every box and she’s an amazing wife and loves me a lot, but I can’t explain it. I just don’t want to be married anymore.
Before we got married, I lived alone for five years, experienced the ultimate level of freedom. Now I feel weighed down. I go out a lot, work, play sports and do the exact same things I used to do while single. It’s just living with someone makes me feel this way. You know, you have to tell them where you’re going and when you’ll be back. It’s a drag. I guess we got married too early — we’re both 26.
I don’t see this feeling going away. It’s getting stronger every day. I am always happy when she goes out to visit her mom or her friends and I get to spend time alone.
The problem is, I’m sure no other girl ever will fit me like she does. I’m 100 percent sure I’ll never get married again if we divorce. And I do keep thinking about divorce. I know it’ll break her heart forever.
The thought of couples therapy makes me want to tear my hair out. I feel selfish for thinking that way. She doesn’t deserve this. I don’t know what to do. — I Want Out
I Want Out: I had a long answer brewing but realized it’s basic.
I’m sorry. Your panic and claustrophobia are palpable.
She needs to know. This is her life and her marriage, too.
She does not need to go to therapy with you. Right now, it’s your stuff to sort out. Go solo.
Until you figure out why you’re feeling so panicked and claustrophobic, don’t speculate with your wife about the reasons. Wrong guesses are tough to retract.
All of that “no other girl” and “100 percent sure” and “literally every box” stuff? That’s your I-have-no-idea-what-I’m-talking-about talking. Instead: “This is my stuff and I’m sorry and I am going to work on it.”
Self-knowledge is the goal. Better decisions for you and others will follow.
Those may include marriage with more space and less expected togetherness — maybe soon with your wife, maybe someday in a mature remarriage, who knows. The important thing now is to breathe, think, be honest with yourself, and breathe.
Not for you, but for others: If you’re using “check boxes” to explain a mate choice, then hit the brakes, please. That’s a sign of feeling pressured by “shoulds.” You do not have to pass society’s milestones to have a great life.
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