Dear Carolyn: My husband is the sort of person who gets up every morning and immediately takes a shower. There are no exceptions. He does not present himself to others, even our children, before he has showered. If he is getting up to go on a 20 mile bike ride, he takes a shower first. If it’s Christmas morning and the kids are anxious to open presents, everyone waits for him to finish his shower. This is the way he is and I have no problem with it. I have and always will happily work around what, in my mind, is just one of his quirks.
About 10 years ago, I learned that my husband had a conversation with a family member where he revealed his concerns about me not showering often enough and that he was worried that I would someday soon acquire that revolting “old lady” smell. I was very hurt and surprised to hear about this as I shower every day, although not always in the morning. I expressed to him how much he had hurt me and how terrible he made me feel about myself. He apologized, but ever since that happened, I am reminded of his comments (and the hurt) every time he talks about my showering, which he does nearly every day. He thinks he’s just asking an innocent question if he asks me when I’m going to take a shower, but for me this means that I must smell bad. Sometimes he’ll mention how “quick” my shower was, as if he’s just making conversation, but for me this is an accusation that I am unclean. I have asked him a thousand times to please stop talking about my showering, but he won’t even try. He says that he’s not doing anything wrong and will not change his behavior to suit me.
I am at my wits end. I feel constantly assaulted. I have explained this to him, but he refuses to make an effort to avoid talking about my showering. He just says that he doesn’t mean anything by it, that it’s unreasonable of me to expect him to not use the word “shower”, that it’s my problem, and I have to get over it. What should I do? This has been going on for a decade, with no end in sight. Am I the one who needs therapy?
Answer: Yes, seems so, but not because you’re the “crazy” one or the one in the wrong.
Couple of things.
What I see is one spouse with a possible hyper-sense of smell. It happens, and it is tough on people who have it, since they’re constantly smelling/tasting things others can’t detect and it can be overwhelming, distracting, gross. It could mean he is repulsed (for reasons beyond his reach) by your natural, unshowered smell. He could also have a kind of compulsion, thus the inflexibility on his own hygiene, or some combination thereof. As a layman, I’ll steer you toward professional help just to explore this possibility.
That’s just one (possible) part of it, though. The other is how he handles it: A person who knows he has a specific struggle and also is in an intimate life-partnership, with home and kids and all that, can choose to handle it very differently. He can communicate kindly and honestly. “I’ve been this way all my life–I am [super-sensitive/compulsive/etc.]. That’s why I’m so inflexible with my own routine. I realize this is my burden to carry, and I will do my best not to mention it because I love you and I understand how you feel when I grill you about your own hygiene. But it would help me if you understood I don’t choose this and built some accommodations into your routine.” I.e., you could understand his plight and shower right when you get up every day, or use certain products that help. Because each is a small thing to help him carry his weight.
Therefore, his “won’t even try” and suggesting you “expect him to not use the word ‘shower’”–so disingenuous–is another reason for a therapist. Take this on solo, because what you describe is a spouse who refuses to stop emotionally injuring you. And that falls under the abusive behaviors umbrella, best not treated as a couples’ counseling issue, at least not without individual counsel first.
That’s all specific to your “Am I the one who needs therapy?” question. All such parsing aside, this really isn’t about smell or showers or whatever except in the details. Those details can distract from the main issue of a marriage in which one of you feels “constantly assaulted” and the other feels adamantly entitled to keep doing, *knowlingly,* the thing that upsets you. The only questions left with a scenario like that are always, why are you still there? What do you think will change? (Individual therapy can help you explore these, too.) I’m sorry.
