Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband has a very close female friend. They met at work 15 years ago; we’ve been married for 25.
She’s extremely extroverted, while I am an introvert. He’s kind of in between but definitely craves more social interaction than I do.
She and I were initially friendly, but it became clear pretty fast that we’re like oil and water. I had mixed feelings about their friendship after I got to know her (I find her narcissistic and unkind), but he really likes her, and it can be a relief for me that he has a social outlet that doesn’t involve me.
Except. Post-covid, they are together all the time. He has reshaped his social life around her. He spends time every weekend with her and their larger social group, none of whom I know. They do Friendsgiving, birthday dinners and evenings out with her kids, who are young adults.
I don’t know how to rein this back in. I am not even sure I want to. He seems weirdly happy, like this is the life he wants. If I try to talk about it, he gets defensive: They’re just good friends, etc.
This is weird, right?
— Runaway Train
Runaway Train: I am all for weird when it’s a consensual weird with no victims and no unwitting participants.
So my question for you is: Are you “weirdly happy”? Do you actually want him to spend more time with you, or do you just feel as if you Should Be Spending More Time Together … but (whispering now) you’re actually kinda good with things as-is?
Carolyn: Good question. No, I would say I am not happy exactly. I am … puzzled, as much by his attention being directed elsewhere as by his apparent denial or unawareness that it is.
It feels kind of gaslighty. I know that word’s overused, but it’s as if our realities are different somehow.
Part of it is the nature of his socializing. It’s heavy on the bars and alcohol, nights out till 4 a.m., etc. It suddenly feels like he’s 25 and I’m 50.
I now realize that’s my underlying question: How do I tell whether this is some kind of midlife bump we just muddle through, or a huge shift happening right in front of me, especially because he won’t really engage about it?
— Runaway Train again
Runaway Train again: Whether you engage or not might be the entire difference between the two.
At this point, because the behavior is so out there — 4 a.m., wut?! — your best bet is to plant an “I am open to anything but BS” flag and not budge. One possible script for that: “I am not angry, and I am not accusing you of cheating, so please take that as an invitation not to focus on defending yourself.
“I am asking you to join me in recognizing that you are spending a lot of your social time outside our house now, often at bars, centered on a woman who is not me, because that is where you want to be. Please respect me and respect yourself enough to engage with me on basic facts.”
Before you say anything, think through what you hope to accomplish. Do you want him just to quit the charade? Would the status quo be okay with you if he did? If not, what would be okay? At what point does separation sound preferable? Clarifying your needs and limits will help with your sense of direction through weirdness.
