Dear Carolyn: I am trying to work through the discovery of an extramarital affair on my husband’s part a few months ago. We have been married for over a decade, together over 15 years, and have a child together. I discovered his affair while trying to surprise him with a phone upgrade for Christmas, but I was the one who got the surprise … I had the phone when his 18-year-old, college freshman girlfriend texted him. I was completely taken aback and responded that this was his wife, I was here with his teenage daughter, and could she please tell me what was going on?
Long story short, she had no idea I didn’t know about her — he told her I was fine with it — OR that he had a child practically her own age. It was, needless to say, a very tense Christmas.
We’ve spent time in therapy and trying to work through this, but he’s taking his first work trip since I discovered this betrayal and I have no idea how to trust him while he’s away next week. What can I do? — Tense
Tense: You cannot trust him.
Because he’s not trustworthy.
At least, his affair proved you can’t trust him, and you haven’t had enough time and experiences since the affair to serve as proof of anything different.
So don’t be afraid, while he’s gone, to live in that well-earned distrust.
I don’t mean you should act on it — that’s awful, attempting to monitor the behavior of a fellow adult. Awful and ineffective. I’m just saying, know you can’t assume the best of him without lying to yourself.
Obviously, just sitting home imagining the worst is miserable. So, do this at the same time, full force: Trust yourself.
Whether he’s home with you or away on work trips, trust that you will be OK.
Whether he uses the trip to cheat again or not, you will be OK.
Whether he’s otherwise faithful to you or not from now on, you will be OK.
Whether you find a way to trust him again or not, you will be OK.
Whether your marriage survives or not, you will be OK.
A 15-plus-year commitment and a child are deep investments you’ve made in him, which I don’t minimize at all. However this turns out, you’re feeling a pain that won’t soon fade.
