Dear Carolyn: I am a working mother (full-time-plus) with two kids. I have nearby in-laws trying to declutter their house. Lately they keep sending my husband home with various books, hand-me-down toys, puzzles, etc., for our kids. These items are piling up in the car, as he places them there without my knowledge. My husband continues to take these items despite the fact I have asked him to discontinue doing so. He doesn’t want to upset his parents.
A month ago our whole family was visiting the in-laws (at six feet distance) and I politely told my in-laws, “No, thank you” to the latest bag. While there again more recently (again at a distance), the first thing my in-laws did before even saying hello was try to give me some boxes of old Legos. I told them again, “We are also trying to declutter. Thanks for the thought though.”
My husband was so angry at me and accused me of being thoughtless, cold and hurtful to his parents. He thinks I should have been gracious, taken it and thrown it out or donated it without my in-laws knowing anything of it.
My in-laws will often ask months later, after a birthday or holidays, “Did the kids play with gifts we got them?” Or they will directly ask our kids, “Are your reading the XYZ book we gave you? Why not? I think you would like it!” They see the kids often — usually weekly.
While my relationship with my in-laws is not particularly warm — or cold — it is respectful. They are extremely helpful and gracious to us and our kids.
However, I am mystified as to why I need to accept items our kids don’t want or need. I am struggling to juggle my career, kids, husband, home organization/cleanliness, friends, exercise, etc. Why am I now the one having to do the dirty work of donating their items or throwing them out? How did I become the villain? — Cluttered
Cluttered: You’ve become the villain because your husband would rather have that job default to you than assume the responsibility himself.
Your direct no-thank-you to your in-laws was exactly the right way to handle his reliance on this default. When he chose not to do the dirty work himself, he left it to you to decide how it would be done. It’s simple emotional math.
What’s left for you to do now is to present your husband with a clearly articulated chain of responsibility from now on:
1. If he wants you to be “gracious” and accept the hand-me-downs, then he needs to assume the added labor that he’s imposing on your family by asking this of you. So, he’s the one who sorts and distributes everything your in-laws give you. He fields their questions.
2. If he neglects or refuses this extra labor, and the hand-me-downs just keep piling up in the car, then you will say no to his parents whenever they offer you things. He gets angry? Okay. Maybe next time he’ll do his job and sort through the stuff.
These are basic natural consequences: Your husband’s choice is between doing the hard work upfront or postponing that work until later. Passing it off onto you without your consent is the option you strike from the list.
Hi Carolyn: I have been dating a very sweet man for a little over a year. Despite the fact that he is kind, a good listener, and accepts me for who I am, there has always felt like there is something missing. I kept deciding to wait and see if greater intimacy would blossom -— it hasn’t. I know that love is an action and a choice, but I feel like there has to be some feeling around it, too. I just don’t feel like I love him, though I do care about him and his feelings a great deal. There is something very rote and mechanical about the way he shows care and with this quarantine there has been no desire on either of our parts to shack up at one person’s house. My friends tell me it isn’t a good time to break up with someone, and I tend to agree, but he is starting to piece together my lack of interest and who knows how long we will be under shelter in place orders. Should I be grateful to have a kind and caring person I can spend time with for the time being or take the plunge and set sail on my own? — Lackluster Love in the Time of Corona
Lackluster: He’s figuring this out, so, show him the respect of being honest. Maybe you’re actually, mutually, meant to be friends and that’s why his romantic overtures seem mechanical.
BTW, I know there’s a sea of data from arranged marriages that people can decide to be in love, but it seems to me there’s a palatable middle ground on the whole “love is an action and a choice” idea: The attraction and the affinity come to you naturally, and you stoke that over time with actions and choices. Fair enough?
