Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are having a ridiculous fight. He works late once a week, and I love the alone time; I order food and watch a favorite, guilty-pleasure-type show. He’ll usually come home in the middle of my show, then start talking: making plot predictions, asking about characters, that kind of thing. I don’t mind his commentary the whole rest of the week, but this one night, I want to just watch my stupid show in peace.
I’ve addressed this with him directly, and he gets defensive and we argue. I’ve tried just turning off the show when he gets home; same result. I’ve tried pausing till he gets the hello-I’m-home! energy out of his system, and it works for a while, but he eventually wanders back out to the living room and the same thing happens. What else to try?
Contributing factors: He works from home mostly while I go to the office, so this is my only home-alone time, which I really value. We live in a small one-bedroom, so I can’t go to an out-of-the-way space. — Shhhh My Stories Are On!
Shhhh My Stories Are On!: Omg, I’d lose my mind. Okay. He’s wrong twice over, but seems hellbent on staying wrong, so it’s time to try bartering.
Is there another issue you’ve butted heads over that would make a good trade?
To be clear: He’s wrong not to just drop it and let you enjoy your show in peace one measly night a week, because it makes you happy and because otherwise he’s willfully standing in the way of that — and he’s wrong to get defensive and make it about himself. They’re separate things, and both could be signs of bigger problems. Hard to tell from here.
But getting creative can salvage your TV night, so why not: “I get that you’re isolated and need to talk after a long day. I’m hearing that my show night feels like rejection. I’m talked out after a long week at the office, though, and this is it for alone time for me.” Then offer a concession on something he values in exchange for this. Bad as a habit, but fine as a lone side deal.
Even people who know backing down is the right thing to do will dig in if they don’t feel loved or heard, so don’t be afraid to say out loud that your goal is for both of you to come out of this feeling loved and heard. You’d just like your share to include one night of me-bubbling inside your shows without commentary.
If he can’t grant you even that, jump to “bigger problem.”
Re: Shhhh: This is infuriating, but maybe reverse-engineer it? What time does he get home? Can you ask him to pick up dinner on his way home and buy yourself 20 more minutes? I’d start the show the second I was home from work and waste no time on food. Then eat together when he gets back. Or, a trick I learned from having little kids asleep in hotel rooms. It’s sad but effective: Take your iPad in the bathroom and don’t come out! — Anonymous
Anonymous: Okay to the first, but I weep at the second.
Here’s what we learned from having little kids: It’s the hope for relief that breaks you. Being on for eight hours without help is hard, but expecting help and having it not show up is torture. So, applying that here, Shhhh would be happier expecting a weekly half-night alone vs. a whole. (I weep at that, too.)
