Dear Carolyn: I got my dream job and now get to move to the D.C. area. My husband is less than enthused about the move, considering his family lives in our town now, we have a nice house with a big yard, and we have friends whom we will miss. We have lived here for more than 10 years, so it is a big adjustment.
He has said he will support me, but during arguments about mundane things, he routinely mentions he might stay and let me move alone. I am trying to get him excited about the move and all the new possibilities, but it is hard. Are there any ways I can help him see the positives in this situation? — Moving
Moving: Not if you push past his doubts and fears to get there, no. They need full airing. See what he’s worried about, see what scares him, see whether there’s room to address these things openly.
When you have this conversation, you’re also really getting at the idea of, “He has said he will support me.” If he’s going along under duress and harboring a certainty that there’s nothing in this for him, then that’s not really “support.”
I’m not saying he has to love the idea. People who share their lives with others almost always come up against this at some point, where one location doesn’t equally serve the interests of all stakeholders. Sometimes moving for one involves a sacrifice by another. But the thing that makes it work is the commitment to the family unit. That’s what makes up for the losses: The decision by your husband, in this case, that being with you in the D.C. area is better than being without you in your current town.
If he’s not fully bought in, then that’s what you two need to talk about, including, if it comes to that, the flip side of his choice: whether you choose him without the job or the job without him. If getting to that point involves his reneging on a commitment to support you in your “dream job” quest, then, I’m sorry, that would be really unfair. But that happens sometimes, too: People in your husband’s position commit to something when it’s abstract but balk when it’s real.
So, that’s the talking point now: Those (childish) snark attacks when he’s upset mean he needs (in addition to healthier coping mechanisms) a reckoning with his doubts, not a pep rally. Creating or feeding excitement about the move is for when he’s all in, at peace even with the doubts.
A reader’s thoughts:
· A few years ago, my husband so desperately wanted to support me that it took years for him to fully admit he was miserable in the new location. Only then were we able to actually talk through some life factors and make an informed decision to stay or return. I wish he’d stated his concerns earlier instead of feeling as if he had to be only happy for me.
Maybe instead of trying to cheerlead him into enthusiasm, you could focus more time talking together about what his concerns are and how to alleviate them or even just name them and decide to move forward with the move anyway. Anything that makes it feel more like a collective choice as opposed to an obligation with no middle ground between unbridled enthusiasm and separation. He doesn’t have to be happy about the move to still want to make it work.
