Hi, Carolyn: My 20-something son’s fiancee regularly holds whispered conversations with him when others are around: at the dinner table, in the car or while several people are watching TV or a movie. My son sometimes seems uncomfortable with her doing this, but doesn’t stop it. It seems very rude to me, but I feel as though saying something would be overstepping. Ideas?
— Old Fuddy Duddy
Old Fuddy Duddy: Yep, rude.
Strangely juvenile, too, so it sounds like the rude of the frail, not the rude of the mean. I’m guessing some combination of her not being taught, not having confidence in herself, not having skills to manage better when she’s out of her comfort zone.
These tributaries can feed into problems a lot less sympathetic than timid whispers — such as becoming possessive of your son, pulling him away from his comfort zones (family and friends) and exclusively toward hers, and other controlling behaviors.
So it’s not merely overstepping if you say something; you would also risk intensifying her discomfort “when others are around,” thereby amplifying the risk that she’ll pressure him away from others entirely. And that he’ll agree to back her.
Blah. I’m sorry.
You can “zag,” though, counterintuitively, and respond to her alienating behavior with a warmer embrace. Gently for sure, giving her room to find her way toward you — the nervous-woodland-creature treatment — but still using all your devices to show her she is safe and welcome in your family.
Not only is this a chance for her to develop more confidence around you and, let’s hope, fall back less on whisper tactics, but it’s also an example for your son of how to support and encourage family unity through an expansion. You say he “sometimes seems uncomfortable” with her whispers; your kindness helps his cause regardless by either giving her the reassurance she needs to participate fully, or by giving him the evidence he needs that she’s unwilling/unable/unlikely to try.
Dear Carolyn: My best friend from grade school is getting married. She is not the best planner and has a lot of anxiety, understandably. Before the pandemic, I was engaged and had planned my own wedding, then my fiance and I parted ways. Because it’s all still relatively fresh, I am helping my friend a lot with her plans.
However, the other day, we got into a spat and she texted me, “When you have your own wedding you can do whatever you want.”
Like. That WAS the plan before my ex physically abused me and I had to move in with my mother. But thank you for that. And she is well aware of all of this.
I just feel as if she’s acting like a princess and is unwilling to take advice from someone who isn’t “all the way” married. How do I work with her and still be a good friend?
— Needing Help
Needing Help: You back off at the first back-off signal, even an incredibly crappy and insensitive one. And you stay backed off until invited again to weigh in (and she apologizes for the nasty shot).
