Dear Carolyn: Can a relationship survive if one partner is banned from talking about work at all? I don’t mean blathering on for hours or every day, I mean when one partner can’t even come home and excitedly tell the other about something wild that happened, like “Hey, my colleague stole company secrets and now we’re going to court,” without the other partner snapping that he’s trying to focus on the positive.
Before you ask, no, it’s not in response to past oversharing; he’s always talked about his job at more length than I have, and he’s always cut me off on the basis that what I’m telling him — which I think is funny or entertaining — is stressful.
We got married before I started working, if you’re wondering how I ended up married to someone who doesn’t want to hear anything about what I do all day.
— Zip It?
Zip It?: A marriage survives only what both partners decide is survivable. It’s not universal (or up to me).
Including whether “survivable” is what you really want your baseline to be.
You have options, always. If you haven’t said to him yet that it bothers you to be cut off, or that a double standard seems to be in effect when it comes to workday debriefing, then say it.
If you haven’t asked him yet to find some other remedy for his stress than your suppression, then ask. Since treatment is unimaginable for some, this might take insisting: “I won’t be silenced anymore. Please get help.”
The unimaginable thing really ought to be what he’s asking — that you endure an oppressive environment. But people tend not to see past their own mental cages without help.
If his answer to these points is, essentially, that he prefers for you to absorb all the discomfort to maintain his comfort, then let’s please call that all the answer you need.
Dear Carolyn: I went on vacation last year with three new friends I met through our mutual hobby. I was new to the area, so it was great to find compatible friends. We had a blast together, but the accommodations they booked were horrible. I know it was what they could afford, so I went along with it, but I ended up on a musty, narrow bed in a room with inadequate heat, eating only prepackaged or fast food, and saw cockroaches for the first time in my life.
This year, I thought we could compromise. I stayed in a slightly nicer place with heat and housekeeping and ate decent food. I treated them to dinner at some moderate restaurants several nights so we could all eat out together. The rest of the time, I brought my food over to their cabin.
I thought it was a great way to make everyone happy, but since we got back, my friends have made remarks about me thinking I’m too good for them. Wanting a decent vacation makes me a “princess.”
Should I have sucked it up and vacationed their way again?
— Princess
Princess: Um. Yes? It was either that or polish your tiara.
I’m not sure what you envisioned, but there’s no version of leaving friends every night to sleep in your upgrade that doesn’t give off princess dust.
Now, if you’d had the option of a cabin upgrade for everyone, and said you needed it for some vague health or safety reason — pea rash, say — and paid the entire upcharge, then maybe you could have gotten away with it. That would have provided cover for anyone looking to save face.
