We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I hate large parties and gatherings in which I have to mingle with people I either don’t know or don’t know well. I am terrible at small talk. Mostly uninterested in, I dunno, the weather or spectator sports or neighborhood gossip. How do I get better at small talk, and how do I exit a conversation that is on life support? — Wallflower
Wallflower: I was that person. Then work necessitated a change as I was thrown into gatherings like this on a regular basis and needed to “perform” well for the organization I represented. How I got around it? By realizing how nice it is, actually, to have the opportunity to speak to people and get to know them a bit. I started asking questions. First try a simple, “What’s going on for you today?” or, “What’s been the most exciting part of your week?” This often opens the conversation up to something more. It has astounded me how eager people are to share, how well they respond to a listening ear, and how often they share. Even if, from time to time, I think their stories are too good to be true, they are usually much more interesting than a report on the previous rainy day or “Monday Night Football.” And if a conversation is not going well, I leave it with an easy excuse (“see someone I should say hi to,” “need a quick bio break,” “should check in with the home front”) and move on to someone else. The best luck I usually have? With people who are standing alone, rather uncomfortably, just like I used to. — Mommiedude
Wallflower: Someone once told me a winning question to ask is “So, what keeps you busy?” as opposed to “What do you do for work?” Not only does it remove the awkwardness of implying that everyone should have a traditional 9-5, it also prompts the person to talk about whatever they want to that’s really relevant to them at that moment (which may or may not be what pays the bills). And that makes for a more interesting conversation. — Leslie
Wallflower: First of all, small talk is not about the subject, it’s about the people. You need to think in terms of interested in people, not interested in topics. Because “mostly uninterested in,” bless your heart, is off on the wrong foot from the very beginning.
But, practical tips: Come prepared to talk, which means your favorite food, your best trip, your take on the event. Always avoid politics and personal negativity. Ask questions such as: “Oh, I’ve never been there/eaten that/seen that movie. What did you think?” Introduce yourself: “Hi, I’m the sister-in-law of the bridesmaid over there. It’s nice to meet you.” Ask where people are from. Tell them about the weather. (Come on, weather is interesting!) Stay in the moment. And practice at home — seriously.
Exiting is easy! Say: “This has been nice, but I have to go (eat, step out for a call, check the meter, empty my glass). Thanks for the chat.”
The first moments you enter a room are the worst. But we all feel like it’s a middle school cafeteria at that point. You just have to keep walking; look at the room, fiddle with the food, take notes from the meeting, plunge in. — Married into pro talkers
Wallflower: The talking isn’t what’s important. It’s the listening. And because you’re probably not listening, you never go from small talk to real talk — to actually getting to know these semi-strangers better. So, if they’re talking about football, maybe ask how they became such intense football fans. Is the person into all football, or just one team? Why? Then listen. Chances are, you’ll learn something new, often something interesting. And the conversation will probably go on from there on a deeper level. Consider small talk a tool that can open up real conversations with people you’d like to get to know better. And, of course, if you get to a point where you realize the person you’re talking to isn’t someone you want to get to know better, you can always excuse yourself to get another drink, use the restroom, check on your spouse, dance, whatever. You’re at a party. You can smile and step away. — Kathy
Wallflower: If people are really talking about the weather at these parties, then they’re probably as bored as you are. But that doesn’t mean they’re boring people. They might just be bad at small talk, like you! Because it doesn’t seem as if shyness or social anxiety are holding you back, why not get the subject on something interesting? It can be charming, or at least disarming, to answer, “How’s it going?” with, “My son has his first girlfriend and I’m about to explode from pretending to be the cool mom,” or, “I just saw this documentary about the universe, and I can’t stop thinking about black holes.” That should move things in a more interesting direction, though, of course, most conversations will still run their course.
When you want to exit a conversation, it’s totally fine to say, “Well, it was nice to meet you!” Then move purposefully in another direction. But if you feel uncomfortable doing that, you can usually find within yourself a need to go to the bathroom/get a drink/tell the host something. Make your excuse, go do that thing, then find a different corner of the room. Enjoy! — RG
Wallflower: Do you actually want to get better at small talk? I hate large parties and small talk, too; they tie me in anxious knots. Tried to change that for years and mostly failed. I eventually gave myself permission to keep hating large parties and small talk. I skip most of them for more intimate events and one-on-ones with friends. If I feel obligated, then I go make a special guest appearance: one drink, one lap of the party, one expression of gratitude to the host, then out. No fuss, no muss. Every once in a while, I end up having a great conversation, and before I know it, the party is over. If you absolutely must go to these events, then I would consider taking an improv class. That will give you the tools to navigate any social events that end up on your calendar. Really, though, don’t go. Your friends and family know you and know you hate parties. You have social outlets you enjoy, so enjoy those and nix the others. Life is too short for lousy parties.
— Chris
