Hi, Carolyn: I’ve heard so many people say, “When you know, you know,” or, “It feels right,” and my question is, what does that mean?! I can sort of imagine spending my life with someone, until I really think about what that might entail — how do you talk to the same person day in and day out? What if he bores me? What if I bore him after a few years? I listen to inane conversations around me and wonder why you would subject anyone, not least your SO, to that? It’s just hard to fathom how two people do not get sick of each other. — In Love?
In Love?: People do get sick of each other, often intensely. But for a well-matched couple, it either happens mildly, or infrequently, or fleetingly, or all three.
As for inane conversations, sure, you’ll have them. But they’ll be your inanities, which in a way are like your children — they’re no less obnoxious than everyone else’s, but you love them more anyway.
These ruts are why being fiercely attracted to someone physically should trigger fierce caution when your intention is mating for life. Enjoy it, of course, just don’t let it tempt you into rationalizing away the fact that you talk uneasily, fight hard, disagree on things that count, tire of him easily, and hate it when he does … that.
Trusting passion means you invest in two impermanent things: newness and physical appearance. Same goes, to a lesser degree, for a great career, power, fame — all of which are particularly subject to the whims of fate, and therefore are wobbly foundations for a love that you depend on to last.
Not that you don’t want someone attractive and employed. You just want to make sure you’re judging by criteria that last, and that you value, such as a perspective on life that you find attractive, stimulating, challenging, complementary.
That way, not only would your daily grind yield (more or less) daily fuel for conversation, but you’d also need only to introduce new conversation pieces — anything from reading a newspaper to having kids — to your life to propel the conversation. Much, much easier than replacing the conversationalist.
Does the person you’re seeing have the potential to be your endlessly interesting mate? That’s the part you just know, when it feels right. Or so I hear.
Hi, Carolyn: I have been divorced for five years. I have friends who are still friends with my ex. Recently I heard my ex remarried and this couple went to his wedding. I am very hurt because they saw how I was hurt by my ex. Should this couple be friends with both of us? They stated they did nothing wrong. I don’t know if I can still be friends with them because they didn’t care about my feelings. — Hurt and Confused
Hurt and Confused: You apparently have known all along they were still friends with your ex; of course they went to his wedding.
I understand the pain and confusion, but the wedding is a nonissue. Either the friendship was wrong five years ago (if your husband was malicious to you and they knew it), in which case that is the issue — or the friendship was fine then. In that case it’s still fine, even if it smarts a bit more at the moment. I’m sorry.
