Adapted from online discussions.
Dear Carolyn: My father is upset because my fiancé and I already made plans to spend an upcoming holiday with my fiancé’s family. My father asked why I hadn’t considered spending it with him. I truly didn’t mean any harm or even think about it, since my fiancé’s family asked us months ago.
I feel like I’m constantly disappointing my parents, who are divorced, because I’m now stuck in the middle of my parents and my fiancé’s family as well. I feel like I can’t make anyone happy.
— Stuck in the Middle
Stuck in the Middle: You can make you happy. You can be thoughtful. And prepared, and transparent.
When someone invites you and you want to say yes, then that’s fine — but if you let that be your only guide, then the pre-planners will get all your time. That’s not fair to other people, or to yourself.
So: Decide generally who you want to see, how often, and how often you want to do your own thing as a couple. (No compulsory attendance at everyone’s family events.) Then block out a rough schedule as a couple so you know, when you’re invited to something, whether you can feel good about saying yes. Preparation also allows you to say, “I know you’re disappointed, Dad, but I’m doing my best to be fair.” No further discussion.
This hard work is optional; it really is your time, your call, and they can all lump it. But you seem to want to stay close, which is admirable. With forethought, it’s achievable, too.
Dear Carolyn: A friend of my spouse must commute (via plane) to our state for work three days every week because he’s not approved to work remotely. He asked my spouse about apartments or rooms he could rent. My spouse suggested he live with us.
I was angry and told my spouse I don’t want a roommate or to be a landlord. My spouse was upset and felt I wasn’t being nice. He wants me to change my mind.
We have a 6-month-old child and finally a house of our own after renting and sharing with roommates for 13-plus years; I want my space and privacy. There are other ways we can show his friend kindness.
The friend is a nice guy and has been helpful to my spouse in finding employment and giving us lots of pass-me-downs from his kids. I told my spouse we could offer a room as a stopgap until he finds something more permanent. Am I really a bad person for not saying yes to this?
— Not a Roommate
Not a Roommate: Nope. Your offer is a generous compromise under the forehead-slappingly bad conditions your spouse created by not talking to you before he offered his friend a room. Two equals who share a home forfeit the right to offer it out unilaterally, except in a short-term emergency or unless there’s some sort of shared cultural understanding or protocol you both live by.
Since you have enormous incentive to fix this with your spouse, even though you’re 100 percent right, maybe acknowledge his big heart and his indebtedness and say you’re fine with doing x, y or z in lieu, but you’re not fine with the indefinite roommate or with being pressured to change your mind. Or with not having a serious talk about his not talking to you first.
