Hi, Carolyn: I’ve been on a few dates with “Jack.” I like him and am trying to give our connection a chance; I am notorious for writing people off for minor reasons and then regretting it.
But he’s done a weird thing a couple of times now in just two weeks of dating. He will say or do something weird or annoying — like pretend he has to cancel a date five minutes before we’re supposed to meet — only to then say, “Just kidding! I just wanted to see how you’d react.”
Eye roll.
I think this is just his sense of humor and that he doesn’t actually think I’m a lab rat, but it’s annoying and I honestly just don’t have time to be tested that way. Would it be too much to say something? Or is this a dealbreaker, meaning I should just give up on this anyway? — Dealbreaker?
Dealbreaker?: Once you’ve decided something is a dealbreaker, you have nothing to lose by saying, “This is annoying and I just don’t have time to be tested that way.” So you might as well.
Or not — you can also just stop seeing him, because that’s your prerogative.
Plus this kind of “just testing” BS is manipulative no matter how you spin it, because he is quite literally doing stuff just to create a reaction in you.
And now for the advice you didn’t ask for. I see why you’re trying to be more patient with people in light of your track record, but forcing yourself to stay with someone against your impulses to leave does not sound like a way to accomplish what you hope (unless your hope is to go on many dates with people you don’t want to date).
Instead, I suggest you focus on why you tend to give up on people quickly and why you tend to regret it, which actually may help you start to understand why you choose the people you do.
That’s not about them and not about bearing down against your flight instinct — that’s about your emotional wiring and what it’s trying to tell you. A good therapist can help you with any translations.
Re: Dealbreaker: He’s annoying you intentionally to get a reaction out of you? This wouldn’t just be a dealbreaker for me, it would be a red flag. — Anonymous
Anonymous: Rightly so.
Dear Carolyn: My adult daughter virtually never contacts me. When I initiated our contact in the past, I was deemed “needy.” So instead I wait weeks to get any contact. How do I find the happy medium? — “Needy”
“Needy”: I’m sorry. That’s a nasty label for her to slap on you.
Pick a schedule and call on that schedule. Every other week, since she’s keeping you at some distance? Or once a week, and say so: “Just my weekly check-in. How’s it going?”
And when you call, never complain that you’re always the one to call. Nothing ensures that people won’t call you like wasting all of your interactions pressuring them to call you. It’s incredible how much this happens.
