Dear Carolyn: My brother has been convicted of drunken-driving-related offenses several times and is awaiting sentencing for his latest conviction. He could get prison time.
Everyone in our family has been asked to write letters to the judge on my brother’s behalf, and I seem to be the only one who objects to this. I do not think my brother deserves leniency. The reality is my brother has chosen many times to disregard the lives of everyone else on the road, and I think a prison sentence would be an appropriate way to keep others safe from his reckless behavior.
If I don’t write this letter, my brother and parents will be furious at me. Should I simply refuse? Or go along to keep the family peace?
— Anonymous
Anonymous: If you do write this letter, then will you be able to live with yourself?
It is so easy for me, from the safety of my keyboard, to say your sole duty is to your conscience. I don’t have to weather even a day of my family’s wrath. (For this, at least.) But that’s one reason columns like this exist — to answer from a place that’s beyond the reach of your family’s influence.
And, too, they exist to represent the people who won’t have to deal with your family but will potentially be sharing roads with your brother — though the temptation to oversimplify and aggrandize here is great.
On the one hand, he can’t drive drunk if he’s incarcerated, sure. You don’t want yours to be the letter, of course, that tips the decision to free him to kill someone. On the other hand, they can’t lock him up forever — and if he’s even worse when he gets out, then he could be more reckless and hurt more people.
So it’s possible to make a not-too-tortured argument that choosing Team Prison would help put more people at risk.
Okay, it’s a little tortured. But I hope you see my point: that substance abuse, deterrence and the legal system are all famously complicated, so the consequences you intend with one letter could bear no resemblance to what actually happens. And that’s if you have any impact at all on how this plays out.
I mean this in the kindest possible way to encourage kindness toward yourself. If you have agonized over your role, as you seem to, then please know you are not carrying the weight of the world, your family, your brother or the public on your shoulders.
I almost wish you were, because that would suggest you could actually do something to keep your brother from self-destructing — when the real agony is how little a loved one can.
Consider how that affects your parents. Besides an understandable drive to keep their kid out of prison, they may feel desperate to make a difference. Your “no” will be convenient to blame if their efforts fail. Is that fair? No. But is it possible? Yes, especially if they’re engines of the alcohol-related dysfunction.
Still — writing insincere letters toward fake peace isn’t the answer. The answer is to establish and hold your own footing, period.
Seek targeted outside support: The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration helps individuals with substance use disorders and their families at 800-662-HELP (4357).
