Dear Carolyn: I’m kind of freaked out about my girlfriend’s unplanned pregnancy. She was planning to have an abortion, but she backed out. Now she is saying she can’t go through with it and will have the baby and give it up for adoption. I think this is all due to her mom working on her emotions. She should never have told her mom, and I am secretly mad she did. Even though they are very close, she should have kept this to herself.
I am not ready to be a father and was very clear on that to my girlfriend. I’m worried she will change her mind again and keep the baby and I will be stuck. She’s really emotional and confused right now but all I can see is that she’s going to ruin our lives because her mom stuck her nose in where it didn’t belong.
How do I support my girlfriend through this pregnancy, which I want to do, while still making it clear I am not on board with being a father? I will pay the child support for 18 years but that’s all I’m willing to do. I’m not going to be a father to a child because we got drunk and had unprotected sex one time. Should I lay this all on the line now? Waiting to see if she actually does give the baby up seems too risky. — Not Ready to Be a Father
Not Ready to Be a Father: Let’s see. You blame your girlfriend (“She should never have told her mom”).
You blame the mom (“this is all due to her mom working on her emotions”).
You projection-blame your girlfriend again (“she’s going to ruin our lives”).
You blame alcohol (“we got drunk and had unprotected sex one time”).
Where’s the part where you blame yourself for drinking too much and having sex you weren’t ready to have? Being ready means ready for the consequences, including pregnancy.
Don’t lay anything on the line with anybody until you look in a mirror and own this. Every bit of it. If all you want is to get yourself off the hook, then you’re going to do and say things that, with the benefit of maturity, time and perspective, you’ll be ashamed of the rest of your life.
You got it out of your system here with me, anonymously. Good. Now square yourself up and own your fatherhood. Not just paternity — fatherhood. You made the choices that got you here, just as your girlfriend made hers, and so now both of you need to work together to figure out what would offer the best possible outcome for all involved, eventual baby included. That’s what good people do.
Re: Unwilling father: I agree, but let’s also understand our society’s irrational responses to unplanned pregnancies. The mother could be applying unhealthy pressure on her to not abort. He has every right to ask her to consider getting counseling from a more neutral source. Our society’s hostility to abortion leads to unwanted children . . . and decades of guilt in store for both parents, including fathers who pay support dutifully.
It will be easier for him if he realizes, though, that he can’t control what she does. — Anonymous
Anonymous: A strong second on unbiased counseling for them both, thanks.
