Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My son just got engaged, and we are all thrilled. He is giving me such a small list, though, that I can only include some first cousins and not others. I hate to hurt anyone’s feelings, but we are closer to some than others. I’d be happy to give my son and daughter-in-law more money, but my son says it’s about the space, and even more than that, he just wants to keep numbers down. He doesn’t want his wedding filled with people he doesn’t really know. (Our family is quite spread out geographically now, but I grew up with most of them.)
I don’t know what to do. Inviting some cousins but not their siblings feels wrong, but not doing what my son wants for HIS wedding feels more wrong. I feel paralyzed and hate that this is already an issue in what should be a joyful time. — In a Quandary
In a Quandary: How about no cousins at all? Just because you have these slots doesn’t mean you have to use them.
Obviously, you want to, for good reason. But it’s his party.
It’s also a reasonable thing he’s asking, but “it’s his party” means it doesn’t have to be reasonable. So, choose the people you want most whom you can invite without directly hurting someone else. If you’re under your allotment, then so be it. Bask in your son’s gratitude. Assure any complainers (ugh) that your allotment was so small, you chose not to pick and choose.
Re: Quandary: Would your son be OK with your using the extra money for an engagement party or a celebration of their marriage afterward with the family? — Anonymous
Anonymous: That could work, thanks. Though it should be afterward. An engagement party would mislead people into thinking they’re invited to the wedding.
Dear Carolyn: I am forging a delicate new friendship with my brother’s wife. She’s a lovely person, and I’ve been in the market for new friends for a while. They just moved close, and it’s now possible for us to spend time together. But my sister-in-law is relentlessly competitive about our children (who, let it be known, are both under 2). It is very important to my sister-in-law that I know how little screen time her son gets, how many books they read together, all the gourmet organic meals he eats and so on. I try my best, but I am not an Instagram-worthy mom. It’s making it hard for me to feel comfortable with her, but it seems to be part of her nature. How do I deal with it?
— Avoiding Mompetition
Avoiding Mompetition: Sympathetically, maybe? It’s obnoxious, I’m with you there. And maybe you aren’t meant to be friends. But maybe, too, it’s less her need to feel superior than her need to stop feeling inferior. Assuming the latter might soften her company.
Beneath the competitive child-rearing kale rodeo is a lot of panic and self-doubt. So try tuning out the braggy noises and train your ears for vulnerability, and see whether that changes how you respond to her. E.g., she tells you how many books he gets or sugar grams he doesn’t get, and you say: “Moms are under so much pressure. I hope you aren’t tough on yourself.” If she denies she is and you don’t believe her one bit, say, “Yay, glad to hear that,” because being right or wrong is beside the point. The tone change is the point.
Or, counterintuitively, giving her the approbation she craves could ease her craving: “You’re doing a great job with him.” Some parents don’t ever hear that.
