Dear Carolyn: My husband and I both work in creative fields and have been through financially lean years for most of our marriage. We are very lucky; our parents, especially my in-laws, have helped us out a lot. My in-laws helped us get into our current home and have helped us make ends meet on a few occasions. It has been great and really helped us to focus on the quality of our work vs. scrambling to pay bills.
But it has become less comfortable since we had a child. There is no free public preschool where we live, and our options are all fairly pricey private ones. With my in-laws paying for school — and my parents chipping in — we have had to defer to their input on which schools and for how many hours, etc. It feels like having four to six parents making the decision instead of just us two. I kind of feel as if we can’t let them pay for our kid’s school but then tell them they get no say in the decision.
My husband feels the opposite. He thinks we choose the school, then send them the bill, and if they don’t like it, then they let us know with enough notice to pull out before a deposit is due.
It’s become so delicate, and I don’t want my child to suffer. What is a general best paradigm for dealing with this stuff? — Too Many Cooks
Too Many Cooks: Your husband’s. Exactly. The grandparents can chip in money or not; that’s the extent of their say. Your husband knows where the line is between your job as parents and their role as helpers.
If you’re not confident that you can hold that line yourself, then let him be the spokesparent on your child’s (and your marriage’s) behalf, at least till you start to get the hang of your own authority.
Dear Carolyn: What is the appropriate response when a close friend tells you they’re expecting a child they didn’t really want but agreed to because their spouse wanted one? This is a friend of more than 20 years who already has two kids of the same sex and whose spouse wanted to try one more time. The new baby is also of the same sex, ironically.
My friend loves the baby already and will surely continue to be a great parent, but laying on the congratulations doesn’t seem like the way to go, though neither does treating the new arrival like a tragedy. — Anonymous
Anonymous: If you were the baby, how would you want your mom’s friends to respond? Maybe not an easy answer, but something to keep in mind along the way, because the conditions most affect the one who didn’t have any say in them.
By that measure, congratulations are exactly the way to go. Laying them on may not be the way to go, but it rarely is, anyway.
There’s also room for the salty friend in just about any scenario. “You’re out of your freaking mind, but I love you, and I already love this kid.”
