Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My daughter-in-law has 13-year-old twin boys who stay with their father during school days. On the weekends, they are supposed to come to her house.
One twin recently had a conflict with her, lying about an incident that never occurred, and now refuses to come and stay at the house. He continually hurts his mother by saying he will come, then changing his mind at the last minute.
A special occasion is fast approaching. My daughter-in-law insists on buying the same amount of gifts for each twin. He will certainly come to get his gifts.
I am really resisting giving the twins the same amount of gifts. I feel that one twin has made no effort to be part of this family for the past year and does not merit the same treatment as the other twin, who faithfully comes every weekend to be with his mother.
I do not want to hurt my daughter-in-law’s feelings, but if the absent twin gets treated the same by us all, then there will be no consequences to his behavior, which has been awful. Please help. — Rock and a Hard Place.
Rock and a Hard Place.: You are not on the receiving end of this behavior, so they aren’t your consequences to attach.
And a 13-year-old acting this way does have some agency, but is also still a kid and is probably going through all kinds of emotional stuff. The last thing a troubled adolescent needs is someone else’s arbitrary, boundary-crossing kick to the shins as a “lesson” in being unloved.
So, no, I am not going to endorse an unequal-gift plan. Nor will I give you an atheist’s lecture on the parable of the prodigal son, but I will thank my Sunday school teacher of yore for driving home the power of love and forgiveness.
If you want to put this upcoming occasion to good use, then use it to embrace all members of this struggling family with arms as open as you can manage, literally or figuratively, whichever message of inclusiveness they’re willing to receive from you.
Try a little yoga beforehand, maybe, if you’re feeling tight.
Re: Twins: I think this boy should be seen by a child psychologist ASAP.
— Online commenter
Online commenter: Not up to the grandparent, but, yes. Thanks.
Other readers’ thoughts:
