Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: I have found myself tiptoeing around the issue of my girlfriend’s weight gain. When we first met, she was at a healthy weight but was not living a healthy lifestyle. She still is just not very interested in establishing a fitness routine. That’s okay and her choice, and I accept it, but the significant extra weight is starting to have an impact on me and how I view our relationship.
For context, I’m very fit and enjoy exercise and all of its benefits. I have been struggling to find the proper words to let her know I love her and want to be with only her, but I’m concerned about her long-term health and how, frankly, her consistent weight gain tells me it’s going to keep moving in that direction.
I understand I’m being superficial, but it’s important to me that she stop letting herself go. Bring on the firing squad!
— Tiptoeing
Tiptoeing: No, no. No execution. Your mistake isn’t superficiality; it’s that you’re conflating separate, important issues. Her inactivity is the relationship problem; her weight simply made that visible. You are active and enjoy exercise. Maybe it’s time to recognize that’s a core value for you, so partnering with someone sedentary is a bad idea?
It’s also important to recognize she is not “letting herself go.” She is simply being herself. K? This is her lifestyle of choice, always was, the age effects notwithstanding. And for what it’s worth, “let herself go” is so often used against women who don’t conform to, ah, “aesthetic expectations” that it’s a good idea to shelve it entirely, thanks.
Certainly some partners who are mismatches in this regard do fine. They have to like that about each other, though, or at least not care about it relative to the much bigger things that are well matched. You, alas, are wishing (hard) that she would be different.
You don’t have to knuckle down and make yourself stay with someone incompatible because you’re afraid it will seem shallow to break up over exercise. You can love a person bunches for who she is and still recognize you’re not a good lifestyle match long-term.
Do an honest reckoning with yourself. Decide whether you love her completely, as is, or will forever be trying to change her. Then tell her the truth lovingly either way: “I love you and want to be with you,” every pound of her, or, “It bothers me that our lifestyles are so different, and I don’t see love as enough.”
READERS’ thoughts:
∙ My husband has always been pretty sedentary. He’s also an introvert. I will probably have less time with him than I would like because of his health, but I run/do sports and he doesn’t, and we are happy 15 years and three kids later. His stay-at-home-ness is perfect for me, because he doesn’t mind staying at home while I exercise, travel to sports or am gone all day at a marathon.
So: Do you not like that your hobbies are different? Or that she’s not a shape you prefer? Or something else?
∙ It doesn’t seem as if anything has changed except her weight; she’s just being who she is, and her weight really is her business, not yours. One more thing: If that’s how you feel, then you’re not doing her or yourself any favors by staying. Just don’t blame her for being who she is, or claim she “deceived” you when the only thing that has changed is her weight.
