We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend, “Linda,” and I have been dating for almost four years and have a fun, loving and supportive relationship. We’re both widowed, me for five years, her for six. She has two kids, 9 and 12. I don’t have any. We’ve talked about marriage, and I’m planning to make it official at Christmas.
My family loves camping, and we all meet at the same campsite every year for the week of July Fourth. Linda and the kids came with me for the two previous years. Although I knew they were camping newbies, I’d really hoped they’d warm up to it. This year Linda had to stay at home because of work obligations and was only able to take the Fourth itself off. Since it was so hot and miserable at home and beautiful in the mountains, I was sure they were sorry to miss the trip.
When I got home, everyone was talking about what a great day they had at Linda’s parents’ swimming in the pool, grilling steaks, etc. I asked Linda if she even liked camping. She didn’t want to admit it, but after I insisted, she said she and the kids hate it but were willing to do it for me. I don’t want them spending a week every year gritting it out and told her so. She seemed so relieved. The kids were clearly happy when I said they never had to go camping again if they didn’t want to.
I didn’t let them know, but I’m so disappointed in them all. I don’t understand how you’d rather swim in a concrete box and stay in the heat and noise than spend time with nature. I’m now facing solo camping trips for the rest of my life. It was lonely this year seeing my siblings with their partners and kids and me in my tent all alone. It would be stupid to break up with a wonderful woman and leave behind two kids I’ve come to love over something that’s at most eight days a year, but it’s really bothering me.
How do I reach acceptance over this and let it go? It’s been on my mind a lot.
— Sad Camper
Sad Camper: This is one of those moments when you sit down and talk to your partner. Make sure you completely explain your feelings, and let her completely explain hers.
There are lots of different ways to be “in nature,” and tent camping can be hard if you’re not used to it. Brainstorm compromises together. Maybe she spends a couple of days camping with you and then heads home to the pool and the barbecue. Maybe you make a similar compromise for her sake. You can investigate “glamping” or find an Airbnb in a remote cabin for a few days. You can even just go out on local hiking trails together for an afternoon.
This doesn’t have to be an “either/or.” It can be, with some honest discussion, a “both/and.”
— Kashi Dog
Sad Camper: Think about the reverse case to help you develop perspective. What if your partner said she was fighting feelings of breaking up with you because you refused to share a holiday at the pool with her, and she is wondering if she will always be left alone while you pursue your passions for sleeping outside instead?
I hope you will see that you just have different preferences, and neither is better or more correct than the other. She was willing to compromise and share in your interests because she loves you, which should give you the warm fuzzies! You should extend the same respect and accommodation to her. Believe me, you can have a lovely marriage even when you occasionally spend a bit of time apart and occasionally trade off making some compromises with each other. This has worked for me as someone married to the same person for 35 years.
— Lenawee
Sad Camper: In four years, it’s never come up? You’ve never taken them on short trips, day trips, etc.? What happened those previous years when there was a family camp out? I’m a camper, but even I found my first time adapting to a week of it at a state beach with two kids a large culture shock. And I wanted to be there! Think — are your values far apart? Is this the only thing she’s kept from you? I think a few deeper talks are in order. It’s not the eight days, it’s the not wanting to disappoint you that concerns me.
