Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My spouse manages anger poorly, often lashing out (verbally) in unkind ways, retreating into sullen withdrawal or making sharp passive-aggressive digs at me. I have tried to explain to him that these behaviors erode my sense of emotional safety and make emotional and sexual intimacy feel impossible. His retort is that, the vast majority of the time, he is an amazing partner: loving, attentive, thoughtful and loyal. He points to his generosity with gifts and the constant favors he does for me.
This response confuses me, because it’s absolutely true; he is usually awesome. So … why does my heart feel so bad? I’m left calculating how much hurt is worth enduring for a partner who can be pretty great, and somehow 90 percent amazing, 10 percent terrible doesn’t feel like love. He says the very fact that I make such a calculation reflects a lack of appreciation for the thoughtful, loving person he usually is. In fact, he says it leaves him feeling angry, resentful and taken advantage of. How do I untangle these knots? — Tangled
Tangled: Gifts and favors are classic displays of “love” that also exert control, to keep someone from leaving after an emotionally (or otherwise) abusive incident. “Gosh, I’m so sweet to you, and yeah, I get angry sometimes, doesn’t everybody? You want me to be perfect? You don’t appreciate me”: That is highly manipulative BS. “Awesome” speaks for itself.
Something else: If someone told me they didn’t feel emotionally safe around me, then I would feel terrible and try to fix it. I would not blame the other person and dig in on doing the same things I always did before. Because who would do that? If I 100 percent disagreed with the person’s reasoning or view of my behavior, then I’d see that as grounds to leave the relationship entirely — an irreconcilable difference.
It’s the idea of choosing to stay on terms I know make the other person unhappy that I can’t get my mind around.
If that is indeed what’s going on here — it appears so — then trust it and get yourself some support and counseling toward your own safety: call 800-799-SAFE or visit thehotline.org. Even if you’re not sure, call anyway to get more thorough feedback on what you’ve experienced.
Healthy love does not involve targeted emotional attacks. Full stop.
Readers’ thoughts:
• “Why does my heart feel so bad?” Listen to your heart, Boo.
• Gifts and unasked-for favors are emotional loan-sharking: They’re low-effort, low-cost things to do, and they aren’t advance payments against being cruel and selfish to a partner.
• Poor anger management can include lashing out and true contrition. It can include being open to ways to manage anger better. It might include attempts to do better, even if they fail. But if his response is, “Yeah, but look at all the good stuff I do,” he is refusing to hear you and is not remorseful at all. If he doesn’t care that his partner doesn’t feel emotionally safe, then that’s 100 percent terrible, in my opinion.
• In “A Streetcar Named Desire,” Tennessee Williams has Blanche say that “deliberate cruelty is not forgivable.” Although no one is perfect, I’d argue that any act of deliberate cruelty outweighs, by far, any “amazing” acts — which, I’d also note, are all either “gifts” or “favors,” i.e., items he can bestow at his will to bolster his sense of self as magnanimous, and to try to persuade you that the nastiness doesn’t exist or doesn’t count. In addition to being, as Carolyn notes, classic instruments of control. Your gut is telling you something; please listen to it.
