Dear Carolyn: We have friends who visit and take pictures the whole time they’re here. A group shot? Sure, I can do that. But the dozens I later see that they’ve taken? Nope. I find it objectionable, because they go home and post them to a site where every single person on this grand tour can view these pictures. They will send this link to at least 50 other couples, practically anyone they think will be interested in their latest vacation. At this point, I feel as if the pictures are essentially in the public domain, and we don’t understand their fixation with it.
My husband feels as if it would be rude to bring it up, and I have to shut up and suck it up. I agree they won’t understand it from my perspective, i.e., will think I must be a weirdo, instead of viewing it as a violation of my privacy.
This time around, I think they realized I was not a fan of being in the spotlight, so they’ve started taking them behind my back. Every time I turn around, if I’m unfortunate enough to be ahead of them, I catch them lowering their phone quickly. What is wrong with people??? How do I handle this politely?
— Cameraphobic
Cameraphobic: Ask them to please stop taking your picture. That is a perfectly polite thing to say.
I suggest you say specifically that you understand you may end up in some candid photos accidentally, but in that case, you don’t want your image uploaded to the site, and if any find their way there, you’d like them to come down.
I don’t really know what’s wrong with people, either, if you must know. But I do gather from your letter that you’ve never just told these friends that you don’t want to be in any candid photos. That’s on you. Don’t hint; say it.
Another mystery to me is why your husband thinks it’s rude to ask your friends to stop doing something that upsets you. By my definition of friendship, friends want to know when they’re upsetting you, so they can stop doing it. If the corrections are constant or extreme, then you’re not meant to be friends.
The final mystery that I will fail to solve here is why being thought of as “a weirdo” is such a powerful deterrent to speaking up. I may have the bias of being too comfortable with being called one myself, fair point — but when the alternative is the stress of some 200 unwelcome eyeballs on your image and a growing distrust between you and people you obviously value otherwise, it seems like a good trade. “When you’re visiting me, put your phone away, and call me a weirdo all day.”
I actually don’t mind constant photo shooters and posters myself; I count on several of them in my life to capture moments that I, personally, would rather not experience through a viewfinder. It’s a valid art form, hobby and service. When wanted. Consent is consent. If they don’t put their phones away or take down photos after you’ve asked them explicitly to do so, then our new mystery is what they think it means to be your friend.
