We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My husband was a talented athlete with a lot of dreams that were cut short when he was hit by a drunk driver in high school. Fast-forward and our 13-year-old son is a very gifted athlete and has already received college interest for his sport. My husband used to be so chill about it, but he is no longer chill.
He has become one of “those” parents — managing our son’s sport like it is his job. Our son has noticed the change in his dad, calls him “Mr. Intense” and has told his dad to “back off.” Our son punched the wall in frustration because my husband was demanding our son complete specific exercises outside of his practices.
I’ve told my husband it is too much. Our son plays as long as he’s having fun. That’s it. I’ve asked for us to go to therapy and my husband refuses. He will acknowledge he’s too intense, retreat a bit, but then in a week he’s back to Mr. Intense. I can’t control my husband. I know that. So, how do I protect my son from Mr. Intense?
— Misplaced Dreams
Misplaced Dreams: You should remind your husband that even if his son succeeds as a college and perhaps a pro athlete, those will be his son’s achievements not his. Remind him that happiness is success and that is what he should be rooting for in his son.
Nobody can give your husband what was taken from him. Remind him that, more than anything else, he lost the joy of playing and competing to that drunk driver. And now his son is losing that same joy — only this time to Mr. Intense.
— Reminder
Misplaced Dreams: Is there someone in the community your husband respects who might talk to him about how he’s damaging the relationship with his son and with his son’s love of sports? Maybe a family friend or clergyman can get through to him?
Once your son is old enough to make his own life, he may avoid his dad. Perhaps if you or someone else can make this clear to your spouse, he can understand the risks of continuing to behave this way. A possible question to pose to your husband: Who do you want this for?
— Community
Misplaced Dreams: Jock dads usually regret their actions but not until distance or estrangement has occurred. The only person likely to get through to your husband is the kid’s coach. If coach is willing to explain how this over-coaching is screwing up the kid’s love of the game, his confidence or his performance, great. Otherwise, make it clear to him and your kid that you’re on the kid’s side. Make it clear how you both feel about dad’s coaching.
And if wall-punching frustrations continue, get the kid out of there and leave your husband to his lost dreams of glory.
— anon
Misplaced Dreams: Schedule a one-on-one meeting with your husband to talk about what, specifically, his hopes are for your son. Write it down. Then, meet as a family with your son to find out what his hopes are for his athletic future. If your son says he just wants to have fun playing sports, Dad needs to agree that your son is his own person, and he needs to back off. If your son is aiming for a college scholarship, has Olympic dreams, etc., then look into hiring a trainer.
