We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: My family (husband, two kids 11 and 14) moved into our house 10 years ago. We’ve put lots of time and money into making it a great home; it’s not our dream home but a great home for us. Our neighborhood is full of families, but neither the kids nor us adults have connected with the other families here despite trying.
We hadn’t thought about moving until we found out the house next door to our really close friends (and my son’s best friend since kindergarten) is going up for sale. I get really excited thinking about living next to people who mirror our way of life and values, because my ideal life is one more communal than is traditionally seen in this country. My husband isn’t as interested as I am. He says it is my dream, not his, and he has some self-consciousness about living next door to friends, as if we are encroaching on their space. They are campaigning for us to live there, so I know they are on board.
The school district is the same, and the house sizes and prices are almost identical, so no issues there.
Even though we currently live about a three-minute drive away from each other, it’s not easily bikeable, especially for the kids, because of a major road and steep hill between us. While it isn’t that big of a deal to drive back and forth, I think the benefit of living next door (on a cul-de-sac!) would improve our quality of life. We could bop back and forth and share impromptu meals. I’m very confident our adult friendship will last forever regardless of what happens with the kids’ friendship in the future. They are our people.
There are downsides. Moving is a huge deal, an expense and a hassle. We would have to leave our current home, which we put a lot into to make it ours. The new home will need some updates. We must make a decision quickly, as the house is likely to be scooped up. Husband isn’t excited about the idea but is open to considering it. I also worry about the reaction from some family members, but ultimately it’s our choice.
Part of me feels crazy to move our entire home and life three minutes away for the sole purpose of living next to friends we already see regularly. The other part of me feels like it would be crazy to pass up a rare opportunity to create a life that will bring us more joy and community. How can we decide so quickly on such a huge decision? — Split Household
Split Household: Just do it. I’m biased, but I used to live on the same floor of an apartment building as really close friends with two kids close in age to our kids. It was wonderful, and I miss it so much. From the little (shooting a text asking to share a glass of wine after the kids go to bed and wandering over in my pjs and slippers with a bottle of wine) to the big (our eldest had a seizure and we could run our younger kid down the hall for help), it was a huge net positive to our happiness and quality of life. And for your kids being able to play with their friends without you needing to drive them, or to work around your schedule, will be huge.
To your husbands point: talk through boundaries with each other (and them) before the move. My friend and I also worked together so we often ended up on the same subway. I told her bluntly I needed my subway ride and walk as my quiet time, and she totally understood and needed the same. We’d give each other a wave and go back to our books/crossword on the subway. — Nike
Split Household: I considered this about 10 years ago myself — a house I really liked came up for sale just blocks away from two sets of my good friends in a desirable part of town. Since then, one set of those friends moved to another part of town quite far away, and the other set moved out of the country altogether.
If you want to move to this other house, don’t do it solely because it’s next door to your good friends. Life throws all kinds of unexpected things at us, and for all you know your friends will have to move in the next few years. Not to mention how high interest rates are right now! Even at a similar price point, you may end up with a much larger mortgage payment just because of that. The move should be worth it on its own merits, even if your friends didn’t live next door. — Cady
Split Household: It does sound fun, but your own marriage must come first for the sake of all involved. Right now, you’re giving it short shrift. If you went to all the trouble of putting your house up for sale and landing in a house that needs the updates you’ve lovingly put into this home, all while dismissing your husband’s concerns, you’re at risk of creating irreparable resentment.
It sounds like you’ve had a few conversations but that you’re like a kid making arguments for why it will all be just perfect rather than having an intimate conversation with him about what you want for your lives and how to get it. The opportunity of this move might actually be serving the purpose of making you face and strengthen your marriage and family while continuing to relish and develop community ties. And your kids can bike up a steep hill, especially as they get older. — Anon
Split Household: Since you have to move quickly, ask yourself a few quick questions before deciding. Would you be happy in this house if your friends accepted a job transfer and moved to another city? If your son and his best friend drift apart in a year or two, would you still be content in this house? As moving expenses and the expense of new home updates mount up, will you and your husband be able to calmly work together to resolve any conflicts that may arise, or will the pattern be one of resentment and blame? Let your answers to these questions guide your decision. — Terri W
Split Household: Just ran this by my spouse and 12-year-old and it’s unanimous — do it now! My spouse commented, “If you have the money, this is exactly what money is for!”
