Hi, Carolyn: Years ago, right after college, I had a boyfriend who was disliked by most of my loved ones. Levels of objection ranged from slight to significant, and it caused friction with my family and in my social circle. He eventually dumped me, and with distance and perspective I saw that he was obviously a terrible match for me — and one who treated me poorly in public, which is why people disliked him so much.
Now I’m in my mid-30s and have a lot more confidence in my judgment, but I find myself in the same situation again. My mom, my siblings and two of my closest friends do not like my boyfriend of about a year. He is very kind to me, but he has a polarizing personality — a little sarcastic, mostly in a self-deprecating way — and they’ve each told me in so many ways that they hope we don’t end up getting married.
I feel comfortable making my own decisions, but I keep returning to the memory of that past relationship, which it turned out was a total mess that everyone could see but me. To make my question very simple, how can I tell whether everyone’s objections to my boyfriend are worth a hard look?
For context: I have disliked plenty of my friends’ significant others, but I believe the relationships are right FOR THEM. — Nobody likes my boyfriend
Nobody likes my boyfriend: I take your point that not everyone is going to like everyone’s choice of mate, and that what matters is that the relationship works for you. But since you’re asking: What’s with your taste in polarizing people?
This is only the second time you’ve made an unpopular choice, yes, and that’s too small a sample size. But since you’re to the point of asking whether and how to trust your own judgment, you might as well do the work as if it were a bigger pattern.
Are you trying to stand apart from others? To show you’re different? Are you passive — i.e., the people you date are just the ones who happen to seek you out?
Whenever you have to ask yourself, is this the guy/girl for me, it’s worth asking some bigger questions about who you are and what makes you happy — with a therapist, if you’re able and so inclined. Explore what your emotional comfort zone is, what your happier relationships have looked like (with family and friends, too, not just boyfriends). Reflect on what you get out of these relationships with “one-person people” — i.e., men who don’t mix well with others.
Maybe you’ll find that seeing it as a pattern is just a false alarm. It’s still good stuff to know.
If there is a pattern, though, it can be a dangerous one: partners with mean streaks who drive your friends away.
Re: Boyfriend: I think she should ask, “Do you just not like him or do you think he treats me poorly?” If it is the second, ask for specifics. I have friends whose boyfriends I don’t like, but who are good boyfriends so I stay quiet. It is when a guy is treating a friend badly that I will speak up. — Anonymous
Anonymous: Good point, thank you.
