We asked readers to channel their inner Carolyn Hax and answer this question. Some of the best responses are below.
Dear Carolyn: I’ve been divorced for a little over five years, and we have two kids together. He fell out of love with me and initiated the divorce. Because of the kids, we are still in regular contact. Things are amicable.
My ex is newly remarried (seemingly quite happily). Since he found his new partner, he is constantly asking me questions about how my dating life is going. The questions are casual and friendly, but I definitely get the impression that he is trying to work through whatever guilt he may feel about having “moved on” (in the clearest sense) while I have not.
I am trying to figure out what information I owe him about my love life, and, generally, what narrative I want him to have. The truth is that I don’t have time to date as a single mom (I have the kids about 75 percent of the time). I especially don’t want to give him the satisfaction of hearing me say that, though. He claims to be concerned about my happiness and how it will affect our kids. What information do I owe him about my (nonexistent) love life?
— Nunya
Nunya: None, until it potentially affects your kids. By that I mean, until you’re serious enough about someone to introduce them to your kids, your ex has no right to any information at all about your dating life. The next time he asks, I think you should shut it down once and for all. Something like, “I’m not going to discuss my love life with you. If anything gets serious enough to affects the kids, I’ll let you know.” And then change the subject.
As an aside, if your current child-care situation isn’t allowing you time to do things you want to do, maybe you should revisit it? Keeping a divorce amicable is a big effort; maybe it’s time to draw down on that goodwill and find an arrangement that works for you.
— Nina
Nunya: To answer to your question: You don’t owe him any information about your love life. However, the context you provided suggests there are other issues. Do you want him to feel guilty for ending the marriage? Have you really moved on and accepted the end of your relationship, regardless of whether you’re ready for a love life? What are your feelings, and are they at odds with “the narrative” you want him to have? If they are, it is time to work on the part you can actually control — your feelings about the marriage, its demise and the new state of play.
I urge you to spend whatever free time you have on therapy and to think about a custody arrangement that would give you more time to build a new life and a new relationship, if that’s what you want. — Daisy from Greenbank
Nunya: “I’m not going to talk about that with you.” And then just … stop talking. What is it with people who want a window into our lives who do not deserve that window anymore? Whether his motives are in your best interest (hoping for the best of love lives for you) or not (feeling guilt or hoping you’re sad and single and potentially missing him) or the kids’ best interests (if mom’s happy, so are we), what difference does it make? Either way, he gets information about you that he doesn’t deserve. Period.
For the record, being in a loving relationship doesn’t necessarily mean you would be completely happy — or that a loving relationship would affect the kids in a positive way at all times. He’s just digging. You’re doing a great job! The love life will happen on your timeline, and your happiness cannot be measured by the presence/absence of some other dude.
— Olivia
Nunya: Often, my first response to inappropriate questions is, “Why do you want to know that?” In this case, it’s perfect. Don’t guess why he’s doing this; ask him to tell you. Then tell him why you won’t be answering again, since it’s way past his business and you have other, more important things to talk about. Since the two of you are on good terms, you can keep it friendly. Good luck.
— Danza Her
