Dear Carolyn: I am my husband’s second wife. His first wife was much loved by my husband’s family, but my husband wasn’t happy and divorced her.
My husband’s family established a tradition whereby hosting holiday feasts is rotated among the siblings. When it was our turn to host, my first time, everything seemed to be going well until after the meal. Suddenly, all the wives gathered their things and left. Not a word about where they were going or why I wasn’t invited.
I found out later they had all gone to a prearranged get-together with my husband’s ex-wife.
I found this to be extremely rude, but they have characterized this as an innocent get-together with an old friend they don’t often get to see because not everyone lives in our town. I wasn’t invited for obvious reasons, and had I been invited, I would have declined.
I don’t know how to think about this. They have not been unfriendly outside of this situation.
— Left Behind
Left Behind: Oh oh oh I know how to think about this!!
It was a spectacularly, thoughtlessly crappy thing for them to do to you.
I’m so sorry — both that all the wives weaseled on you en masse, when you were super-vulnerable as the post-divorce new spouse on the spot for a holiday feast, and that your husband didn’t immediately take the initiative to see that you were made whole once you figured out what had happened.
Anything short of an apology line snaking out your door was insufficient. Ideally in a downpour.
And … I’m not done yet … you can also think of it as a sad and, in a way, beautiful thing that was stupidly, needlessly botched.
I love that the ex-wife was and still is much loved. I love that divorce didn’t cut the other ties. I love that they gathered. Doesn’t the world need all the warmth it can get? I love that you seem to kind of, I think, also support that they gathered? And just wish they hadn’t been such flaming insensitive jerks in the execution?
Or am I sniffing too much optimism today?
Imagine, though, if it had played out this way: One or all of them talks to you before ditching you, not after, about caring for the ex independently, and wanting an innocent get-together. Then, with your blessing, they plan their separate gathering openly and respectfully and with at least one of the planners’ heads out of one of their redacted places. Then your first family feast is unaffected (try that a little tipsy) and we’re not having this conversation.
Wives who left, if you’re out there reading this: Would that have been so freaking hard?
