Dear Carolyn: My daughter and her husband have a large home, and when we visit, we stay with them at their request.
My issue is their housekeeping. Between the dogs, sinks overflowing with dirty dishes, and rotting food in the fridge, I have no place to go to de-stress. Even our bedroom is full of stuff. There is literally no uncluttered surface in their home. I believe there is some hoarding going on.
There is a nice hotel very nearby, so I could have my own space when I need it. But how to address this without hurting anyone’s feelings? I love my daughter and her family, but I am an anxious basket case by the time I leave and am already stressing about our next visit. We visit twice a year and stay no more than four nights. — Anxious
Anxious: Any situation like this, no matter what the details, presents you with two choices: put up with the discomfort, knowing it’s only for X days; or make the change you want to make as kindly as you can, and hold cheerfully firm through any fallout.
For you, the second choice might look like this:
1. As the next visit approaches, tell your daughter you booked a hotel.
2. Give a not-untrue, mildly self-deprecating, but also not-entirely-detailed reason for booking a hotel: “I really need my sleep these days, and this just works better for me.” Reframe her low-maintenance habits as your high-maintenance needs. Right? No need to specify that her chaos is why you can’t sleep.
3. If she pushes back or declares she’s hurt, keep it light and keep on message: “I don’t mean to offend, and I can’t wait to see you — I just need this to get my eight.”
Dear Carolyn: Several months ago, a person who heads an organization to which I belong was carjacked and severely beaten. She let all of us know what had happened and then asked for us to respect her privacy because the whole family was traumatized and needed time together.
I sent a reply email wishing her a speedy recovery both physically and emotionally. Most of us signed a get-well-soon card at the next meeting. I heard more bits and pieces about the incident as time went by.
This person is more than an associate but also not a dear friend as she is with some others.
When she returned to the organization, I noticed she embraced most of these closer friends, but barely spoke to me. Finally I asked how she was doing and the reply shocked me: “Well, you apparently didn’t care enough to call or keep in contact as they did, so I’m more than a little bit hurt.” My reply was that she specifically asked that her privacy be respected, and her response was, “Well, true friends would know better than to take that statement at face value.”
Was I wrong to do so, or do I have a right to feel hurt and perhaps betrayed? I’m considering just cutting back on my time with the organization, as I feel uncomfortable with her as chair. — Mixed Message
Mixed Message: You were not wrong to take her message at face value. Her position is not defensible.
It may, however, be understandable. Traumatized people do sometimes aim their distress at other, easier, sometimes entirely unrelated targets. You could be merely convenient. She also could be unaware of that, and preoccupied by her own feelings.
